grinninfoole: (strangelove)

My brother has been admitted to the hospital to prepare him for surgery and cancer treatment. They just put a tube down his nose, so they can provide nutrition. It was clearly agonizing and provoked a paroxysm of vomiting. I had to leave the room, because it upset me so.  Even down the hallway, in the lounge with the door closed, I could still hear it.  It went on for quite a while.

We have apparently done this many times to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. So, we absolutely do torture people.

grinninfoole: (Default)

Today is a day to support people coming out and proclaiming their sexual identity to the world. Gay, lesbian, bi, or some other label; trans- or cis- gendered; celibate, monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever else. This is a time for people to step forward and push back against the mass of society trying to stifle their joy, their love, their relationships, their choices, and the bedrock truth of their lives. It's also a time for those of us who care for those people, and those of us who believe in liberty, to speak up in affirmation.

So that's what I am doing now. I'm going to come out as heterosexual, cisgendered, and basically monogamous (though poly curious). I like women. I emotionally identify with them. I find many of them sexy. I tend to go for paler skin and skinny (like our advertising culture uses to sell to us all). and shorter than I, though I'm by no means exclusive about this. God help me, I'm even kind of attracted to Miley Cyrus. I know that this may seem like the opposite of coming out--instead of speaking up for something repressed, I'm proclaiming something constantly validated and assumed. However, I'd like to point something out: everything I just told you about myself is a taste (or preference or orientation or what-have-you). Or, to put it a sexy way, a kink.

The difference between me and someone who likes rubenesque women, or bearded women, or a foot-fetishist, or a transvestite, or just about anything else, is that my kinks are common enough, and reinforced enough, that hardly anyone recognizes them as such. There's nothing weirder about wanting to suck dick than to lick pussy. Or both. Or neither. Or only with whipped cream and a cherry. Heck, I find the poo, pain and/or blood kinks disturbing, but that really is just me. The consenting adults can do their thing with my blessing (though, please, no poo in my whipped cream, OK?) Double heck, even the folks with non-consensual urges like pedophilia aren't that different from me in their feelings. The damage comes from acting on those feelings, and I feel sympathy for anyone struggling to live a full human life while protecting others from those impulses, and I think we should do more as a collective to help them do so.

(Honestly, while I agree that sexuality is largely, if not completely, orientational and that 'gay reparative' therapy is therefore misguided, I do hope that it isn't completely so, that there we can make meaningful choices about our sexual feelings, because I'd like to think that pedophilically inclined people can choose to grow into something healthier. And, yes, I know that homosexuality and pedophilia are completely different things, and I'm not trying to morally equate them. I just made a logical leap.)

All of us, when you strip away our street clothes and public manners and let us rock out with our metaphorical cocks out, can be weird, gross, amazing, tender, inappropriate, transgressive, and awesome. It's best when we can do it with love and kindness, and it's so much easier to do that when we can be out and proud about who we really are, whoever that is, because there are people out there who are just what we're looking for, and who are looking for us, too.

So happy coming out day, everyone. May we all love long, and prosper.

grinninfoole: (Default)

Went to DCD show this evening. It was beautiful. Many songs I didn't know, but all were deeply moving. Three encores. Great light show, too. I am glad I went, even if I did wind up going alone.

Found myself once again thinking about the time, manner, and aftermath of my death. Obviously not the most healthy of topics, but it comes with the territory when depression intrudes. Anyway, I noticed that I kept coming back to thinking about grounded attending my death bed, and responding to the modest bequest for her in my will.

Looking at this less emotionally, I think I have to find more effective ways of finding value in my own life. I mean, Grounded is fantastic and I shall always love her profoundly, but I need to get off this kick of dying to force her to validate my existence. I mean, seriously, that's messed up and creepy. Man, I hope she never bothers to read these. :/

Anyway, a snack, then bed, the tomorrow work on the new store, and in the long term, start planning some adventures.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

grinninfoole: (Default)

Hello everyone,

I have left off posting for far too long, and I have much to share--more than I can manage tonight. For now, suffice it that Grounded is probably not going to work out as a romantic partner but friendship is still on the cards. I'm not happy about this, but I'm no longer hurt and I'm moving on as best as I can.

Right now, I'm in Morristown, NJ at Double Exposure con, a really fun and well run gaming extravaganza which started weds and runs to Sunday. I'm here to a) sell stuff and b) promote our still in the planning stages second store. (That is being held up by the need to find suitable space, which is proving tricky. Patience and a week economy will see us prevail in the end, I'm sure.) it's been a fair bit of work, but I'm actually getting to have some fun. Some high lights and jotted down earlier:

Cool stuff at Dexcon. I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to get the boo together adequately well, but it's come together. Blair was helpful, and Matt bringing down the metal slat wall filled the niche for hats, magnets, and plush toys. And two banners ion the walls looks good.

Had nice chat with Jeff Quick from Alderac games, learned what's cool about the Ninja board game and the Nightfall deck building game. Hope to try some of his games at some point with him.

I have been readng Lizzie Stark's Leaving Mundania, an outsider's report on/overview of the world of roles laying in general and LARP (or live action role playing) in particular. I have of course been playing RPGs since 1980, but until tonight I had never done a larp. After hearing Ms Stark read from her book and then talk about her experiences, I found my interest piqued. It turns out Dexcon was place she tried a lot of larping. She described some of h er play experiences and some of the people she met. She gives very intimate accounts of some of their lives, and since these are the folks organizing the con, I now know something about some total strangers. I spoke to Kate Beaman-Martinez about jumping into larp, and she recommended. I try the deadlands larp, run by other folks described in the book. Fortunately, I have played some weird west in my friend ataj's game of late, so I made up a version of James Cabot Lowell and went from there. It turns out that they are concluding the whole campaign this weekend, and tonight I stepped into the penultimate chapter of a long story. I was able to roll with it and have a good time, and I was told by some of the other players that I added something to the game, which is a hell of a compliment. :)

I plan to join them again tomorrow afternoon for the grand denouement. And who knows? Maybe one of those pretty girls will take a shine to me...

Oh, I would be remiss if I didn't thank usakeh and gigitastic for coming down here to new jersey and having dinner with me n Thursday night. It's always nice to see usakeh, and I'm glad to finally meet Gigi, and discuss the legend of korra and other weighty matters.

Also, I'm typing this n the store's iPad, and damn these things are smooth. I may have to get one when I have a pile of extra cash and no friends in need.

I hope you all had a happy independence day, and I shall post more soon. Thanks to everyone who commented or got n touch following my last two rather gloomy posts.



Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Still waiting for a chance go talk to Grounded. She texted me today:"crazy busy. Will try to call next week." Somehow this leads me to suspect that she may not feel as intensely about me as I feel about her. This makes me sad. I'm trying to give myself permission to feel sad without being prematurely negative or telling myself how dumb I am to feel so. (and I don't want to assume its going to to badly in advance. That hasn't served me well in the past. I'm starting to think that there may be some validity to the notion that happiness is a matter of habit, that it takes practice and an open to heart to accept good things in life. To that end, I called some friends to join me in activities that would make me happy, which is why I'm typing this at the Cinemark while M and I await the 10:05 showing Avengers.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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I had lunch today with my old flame, whom I shall refer to as Grounded henceforth. This is only the third time I have seen her since I got in touch, and I still must contain a tumult of emotions when I see her. The best word I can think of for it is "elation"--it's like my actual heart muscle is spontaneously resisting gravity. It's unsettling, unnerving, distracting, and wonderful. I'm happy just being in her presence.

Can this last? Should I place any faith in this passion? It will all end in tears, but when and why will it do so?

For now, I'm just happy that she laughed and smiled at me, (and were her eyes always so blue?) and will come to my birthday party.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Last night feisty had an encounter with what I presume was an unidentified animal assailant. She got away, but not without a gouge in her hind leg the size of a quarter. She is carrying on as if nothing were wrong, but we took her to the hospital anyway. It seems that she needs sutures and has to be doped up for them and it's a whole thing. Now we are hanging out on mount Sugarloaf waiting for them to call. Sigh. At least it's a lovely day and I'm hanging with M. Still, le sigh. Big thanks to my parents letting me bill it to them so I can pay them back, and not Citibank.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Waiting

Sep. 18th, 2009 02:31 pm
grinninfoole: (Default)

In about five minutes, an oral surgeon named Dr. Garlick will be ripping out all my wisdom teeth. I find that I am on the verge of snappishness because I'm nervous. I wish I knew what the fuck happened to the Valium I was supposed to take. It's not in the drawer where I put it two months ago. I have no recollection of moving it, nor did I have any reason to do so. Neither did M. It's a complete fucking mystery and it's pissing me off so much. I can't tell if the anger is a helpful distraction or not. I certainly don't want to take it out on the folks here. And this cherry topical shit tastes awful and novacai e fucking hurts and my hands are starting to shale so I thhink I'm going to stop now.

See you all later.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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I heard a report on NPR this evening about Mexican narco-gangsters killing 20 people in a drug rehab center in Juarez. Thus is apparently the fifth or sixth time this has happened. It seems that rehab clinics are bad for business.

I can't imagine such a thing happening in Massachusetts. It would be a national crisis if it did. There are fellow humans living in such misery that heroin seemed a better choice, and now that they're trying get clean, there are terrorists willing to kill them for it.

Is this really the same planet where I was at Dragoncon at the same time?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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En route to DragonCon, waiting for a connection in Raleigh-Durham*, I spotted a woman carrying a clone trooper helmet#. Struck up a chat about the con. Ggg and her husband% were charming, friendly, and instantly gave me that sense if being among friends that is one of the joys of coming to cons- one I'd half forgotten until just now. I'm now quite jazzed for the weekend!

* Disappointingly not shaped like a lit cigarette.
# You can tell because it's a different shape from the Storm Trooper helmets.
% They're both marines, and crystallized my sense that service people who are also fans are usually really cool.

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Phew!

Aug. 3rd, 2009 10:35 am
grinninfoole: (Default)

This past weekend was connecticon. Several thousand fans of anime, manga, and other geekery got together for a socially awkward good time. There were hundreds of cosplayers (lots of pretty girls in very skimpy clothing of course, but also lots of guys too, and people in full furry gear and Jedi and lots more. Highlights were Hunter S Thompson, Jurassic Park rangers, and Sokka & Katara disguised as fire nation parents.).

The show is very demanding, but this year it went more smoothly than ever and I think we did well. It was still exhausting, though. I basically did nothing except work for the past two weeks. The one exception was I made time last Wednesday to run my Midnight game. Even though I have jobs to hunt and a birthday to plan, I couldn't help myself. I had to get in some gaming. :)

I am sad now though because my sweetie is away all this week. I must use the time wisely, and not mope.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Team work

May. 1st, 2009 05:54 pm
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Oh my god it's beautiful today! The sun is breaking through the clouds and shining on the fresh green grass. And the verdant flanks of Mt Tom! How lovely.

Had a short fight with M stemming from frustration over time management and the press of errands undone and priorities unfulfilled. Then we were interrupted for ten minutes and it all blew over. Now we're getting some needed clothes and visiting friends.

It's the big trick: balance being here now with having larger life plans and making them happen. I must have hope and courage.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Sigh. It's been too long since I last posted. And I don't have much time now! But I have a new phone which lets me do this remotely, so here goes trying to keep up.

Today, I'm rereading Craig Thompson's Blankets. Mike I is in NYC, so I will be leading the book club. I like that we are running more events in the store. I like that, starting in May I will be paid to run a D&D game once a month.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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