grinninfoole

I'm really sad about the killing in Israel/Palestine following Hamas's pogrom last week. Quite aside from the shock of massacres and brutality, the war-time polarization overtaking how everyone is discussing the situation is reminding me of the sad truth that sanity is a collective endeavor. I don't want to support Hamas or the IDF as they butcher children, but US foreign policy has taken Israel's side over the past 75 years, and I can't escape that I'm helping to pay for it. And, of course, if we could bomb our way to peace, we would have already done so. I fear being an accomplice to Netanyahu becoming a modern-day Hadrian, and doing to the Palestinians what the Romans did to the Judeans in the first century. It's awful being enmeshed in a society where so many of the people in it with me want war.


In other news, earlier this week I met up MaMEd for the first time in a months and saw Stop Making Sense again. I really love it, and it was good to get out of my shell with my oldest friend. Today, I saw the Cumberbatch-as-creature version of the 2016 National Theater production of Frankenstein a the Amherst Cinema with Stoic and Suave. It's pretty good. Then I got my Covid booster, flu shot, and pneumonia vaccine.

I'm in a better mindset than my last post. It's tough to resist the old patterns of my family, but one of my friends (I think it was millari but it might have been morlock) summed it up well: don't go back to Andover to care of your mom, go back to visit your mom. And it's true that we already have a great team helping mom, with the PCAs from Home Instead, house calls from Patricia and Margaret at Elder Care Coordinator, financial coverage from the folks at US Trust, and chats with the minister. I'm going to focus on making my time in Andover about what I can do that others can't. Also, when I'm away, I call every day.

Right now, though, I'm in Tarrytown. I came down on Saturday and stayed with friends in Mount Vernon (super pleasant home for a super nice couple) (saw the Last Witchhunter movie, which was just as predictable and ersatz as a Snickers bar). Sunday we had the 'make plans for 2016' board meeting, and in the evening Lefty and I played Pathfinder (the adventure card game not the RPG, because who has time for such a baroque rules system?)* I had planned to drive back home tomorrow early in the day, but Lefty called and asked me to come take him to urgent care. He's got some sort of bladder problem that I think has been greatly exacerbated by an infection? Anyhoo, it was horrible so he needed a ride and a friend while he got treatment. I stayed the night at his place, and this morning the pills are working and he's much improved. Huzzah! (I beguiled the hours after he crashed out by watching Burn After Reading, which was as great as M told me it would be and was like watching a Fiasco game adapted to film, and the The Seven Percent Solution, which I had seen thirty years ago but I hadn't noticed that it's kind of racist and that Robert Duvall's British accent sounds terrible.)

Now I'm heading off with Lefty on a store errand, and then it's home to vote!

{BTW, while driving down, I listened to a podcast recommended by a friend I'll call Vanderbilt, the Blacklist Table Reads, which turns unproduced screen plays into audio dramas. It's a Hollywood thing, but the episode I listened to was Chrome Noir, a 30s crime story with robots that was a lot of fun.}



*I do, actually, in a game that Stoic is running. Honestly, though, if it weren't a long-running and already ongoing campaign, I don't know that I would find it worth the trouble, and I kept my character simple.

Stoic has been running a pathfinder game inspired by the Sharpe's Rifles books for a couple of years now, I think, and I joined in about a year ago as a !Quaker chaplain. It's been quite fun, the sort of game that makes it worth dealing with all of Pathfinder's rules apparatus. A couple of months ago he decided that he wanted to run a session only every other weeks, so I offered to run an alternating Deadlands game. (Why Deadlands? I was familiar with the Savage World rules after playing in another one myself, the rules are fairly simple but flexible enough to allow for players to customize their characters, and the feel of the game with an initiative system using a poker deck and drawing fate chips from a bag would be a nice change of pace from what the other guys were used to.).

We're down to four of us, just now, so I invited MaMEd to join us for our first session of 2016, which was yesterday--I thought it would be a good excuse to see more of him. On the spur of the moment, after stopping by the shop and chatting with Successor at the Roost, I invited her to join. Given how busy she is, I was shocked she said yes, but I'm delighted I did so. She hit the ground running, and her shapeshifter bounty hunter is a great addition to the group. Ironically, MaMEd had to cancel at the last minute, so I'll have to work him in next time.

I started 2016 off well. I spent New Year's Eve with MaMEd and his family, swapping gifts and enjoying each other's company. The Attraction game (which is like playing marbles with magnets) was a big hit with Princess C. Saturday into Sunday was a lot of games. millari and I had a nice supper at Mulino's Saturday evening, followed by some Chrononauts at her place. Sunday was twelve hours of gaming fun at my house. M came over, as well as Suave, and folks from my Deadlands/Transhuman gaming group (until I come up with nicknames: SS, TJ, JEL, JE). We played a cute trick-taking game called Friday the 13th, then Lords of Waterdeep (as there were only five of us yet–poor M had to wait an hour for us to finish, but was very chill about it–and it was a close game to the end), and all seven of us played Shadows Over Camelot. It turned out that none of us was a traitor (only 12.5% chance of that) and we managed to find the Grail, retrieve Excalibur and Lancelot's Armor, defeat the Black Knight, and drive off an invasion of Picts. Ironically, we won by allowing an invasion of Saxons to proceed, thus filling up the Table. After that, Suave took off, so we played Unspeakable Words (the Lovecraftian word game) and more Friday 13th. Then TJ and M departed, so the four of us remaining wrapped up with an old chestnut (for me, at least), Reiner Knizia's Lord Of The Rings coop game. I got that game back in 2001, and I have played it dozens of times (according to the scoring sheet), but not since 2007. It was a bit of a roller-coaster as I tried to recall the rules, but the hobbits managed to chuck the ring into the fire all the same. Poor Stoic, who has been my houseguest for the past month as he reboots and regroups, is also recuperating from an injury, and he felt too unwell to join us. Perhaps next time.

It was enormous fun, exactly why I keep trying to have these sorts of parties. I hope to have more luck with them in the year to come.

I have taken this week off from work, in the hopes of clearing my head and getting a better handle on managing my life in light of the problems with my parents' health.  I seem to need some help, too.

It's an ongoing grieving process as they fail and die on the installment plan.  My Dad is slipping slowly.  His mental acuity has declined, so that he's much like the other human ghosts in the home, and he's physically much less steady on his feet.  Soon, I think, even a walker won't be sufficient.

Mom has returned to the rehab hospital, and hopefully will not bounce back to the hospital for more acute care.  The good news is that she is definitely recovering from the back surgery: she can sit up without pain, her legs don't hurt, she doesn't look so washed out.  The bad news is that she's despondent and a bit confused. She's not remembering new people well, and she's asking me about driving back to Maine or called M by the wrong name.  It's too early to despair, but this is what Dad's dementia was like at the beginning.

On top of that, I'm worried about what we are going to do in the longer term.  Mom will, I hope, go back home by the end of the month, but I don't know how mobile she'll be.  We have arranged for some in home care for now, but in the longer term, if Mom needs a walker that house becomes very difficult for her, and impossible if she's in a wheelchair.  Finding a new house is something we have all acknowledged will be useful, but I'm at a loss for driving the process forward.  I'm more reactive than strategic in my thinking, and that's a weakness in this context.  The stress of confronting a problem whose limits I can't define, the next step for which I can't see clearly, and the consequences thereof could be severe for my family, eats at me.

Personally, I had a terrible job review last week.  Honestly, it was more of an intervention.  I have, apparently, gone from being a great ASM to a bad one because of the stress and worry and sadness I'm dealing with.  This is not merely a knotty problem, or an extended crisis, it's a protracted grieving process.  Apparently, it's leading me to be short with customers and employees, which cannot stand.  I'm definitely forgetting things as they slide through my ADD brain without sticking.

The worst thing about it, though, was not hearing that I need to straighten up and fly right.  I have heard such things before, and while I'm somewhat chagrined that I need to be told, it's sadly part and parcel of ADD.  No, the worst was realizing that I needed help, and that these three people in what was ostensibly a professional context were going far beyond the call of duty to throw me a lifeline. 

I'm ashamed that I let things get so bad they had to step in.  I'm ashamed I didn't ask for help sooner.  I'm especially ashamed at how Lefty, who I honestly feel like I can annoy at any moment without meaning to, made it very clear that he trusts and respects me professionally.  (He even offered me a job as his full-time #2 again with the NY store.  O.o)
EDIT: It occurs to me that I suffer from the fond delusion that I'm a bit like the Doctor: the compassionate madcap who pops out of the background from time to time, helps people, and then disappears while folks shrug and get on with things.  

I guess this sort of distress is hard for me to notice. Instead of causing pain, it causes numbness.  I'm going to have to do better in keeping it in mind.  I need to work on re-establishing and maintaining my domestic routines, which will help me keep it together.

Which is my project for this week. So far, I'm off to a crappy start, with dozing away much of yesterday and today, but I have at least paid some bills, done some cleaning, and seen my therapist.  I'm going to call a personal organizer to come and help me set up some systems to better control the chaos towards which I tend.  I also could definitely use help from friends.  If any of you would care to come by and help me sort through the clutter, I'd appreciate it, especially if you could come over and help me sort comics perhaps tomorrow evening?

I had a long talk with the Morlock this evening, commiserating about his recent reversal of fortune, the prospects for President Obama's re-election, whether Marvel comics is totally out of ideas or not, race vs class warfare, employee relations, and what the fuck is wrong with rich people?

Along the way, he called me out on being a good person, and I was more or less OK with it.  I'm uncomfortable with simply asserting "I am a good person", lest I become Jane Eyre's aunt, but I do make a conscious effort to fit the criteria for moral goodness, which to my mind means 'courteous, humble, compassionate, diffident, reflective, curious, funny, and generous'.  I have achieved some success in my efforts, and several of you have been kind enough to validate me over the years, much to my discomfort.

One of the things I admire about Grounded is that, in surviving a difficult childhood, she granted herself permission to believe in her own self-worth.  She's far from arrogant, but she is very comfortable with who she is, the life she lives, and what she wants.  My own path has been somewhat different, and there are different pitfalls that I have had to navigate (a topic for another post), but I think I might be ready to start giving myself that same permission.  I hope that I shall not fall in complacency.

For my next trick, I'll come up with a blurb for myself so I can maybe start dating or something.

This has been a tough week for me, though I'm not sure why. I think it's a combination of:

1) 'Tis the week before Christmas, and folks are shopping. Which is great. The last three days before Xmas have been big days for us in lean years, but the week before that has been strong this year. A sign that the recession is easing up, I hope. BUT, it means that I have been working a lot. 12 hours on Wednesday, 8 hours today, etc.

2) Feisty still sick with whatever sinus problem she's got. She's sort of stable, and is happily purring beside me now, but her breathing is sometimes labored. I had an appointment to take to Worcester (an hour's drive) for an EXPENSIVE MRI tomorrow. Which is not the most convenient time for me.

3) M is away with family in Mexico. I'm glad she went, I love her and her family, etc. She is also one of my bulwarks against depression, so I miss her.

4) My dad is in really bad shape. His blood pressure has been mostly stabilized, but his dementia has drastically worsened, to the point where he has mood swings, fits of rage, and he's asking when his mother is coming to visit. He's going to require 24 hour one to one care, even in a nursing home, which is going to cost a fortune.

5) My mom's heart is breaking from grief. (I think my brother is holding up better, but I know this must be especially hard, since he's right there at ground zero.)

Tonight, I got out of work, decided to go see a movie and eat out. I made a few calls, but no one was free. I wanted to spend time with a friend, but nobody seemed just right: either they were busy, or I knew they were free, but somehow it was too much effort to call them. I found myself starting to cry as I sat in my car. So I called M in Mexico.

Which brings me to the good part of the post–my friends:

1) M was out for dinner in a noisy restaurant with her family, but she spent ten minutes talking to me, helping me figure out what I wanted to do, and being supportive.

I went out to dinner at a place that was hosting a karaoke night in hopes of meeting another friend, but they couldn't make it. But the food was tasty, which perked me up, and I found Tom Lehrer's Christmas Carol, which was just the ticket. I wanted to sing at least once, to push my comfort zone, and respect the event I had gone to. Also, I am a yuletide merchant. :)

2) After that, I went home, and spent some time talking online with usakeh and bottledgoose, both of whom were sweet and helpful and make dates to do fun stuff with me next week. (Muppets!)
And I watched some Leverage with Usakeh and Gigitastic, which made me happy.

Then I took advantage of a scheduling problem at the vet clinic, and moved Feisty's check up to next week, when M is home (so I won't have to do it alone), and swapped shifts so I'm free after Xmas, and BSC doesn't have to get up and work immediately after her overnight shift. Win-win, I think.

3) PLUS, I had a nice evening with sundart and spouse on Monday, with MAMEd and family on Tuesday, and my old friend J called from Atlanta to talk for a while on Tuesday morning. Thank you to all my dear friends, for reaching out to me when I'm dropping the ball on it. I really appreciate your support. Sorry I'm not giving as much back.

4) Feisty may not feel well, but she still loves me, and cuddling with me still makes her happy. YAY!

 

millari and I slept in a bit, and then had to scramble to pack our bags and tidy up enough to leave the room behind before Joke and his adorable daughter arrived. fuschia headed for the airport before we did, and blue_crow and blaaksable dropped by to say farewell, though they mostly spoke to M while I bustled about.

 

We checked out, piled into their car, and drive to a café called the Flying Biscuit, where we met the Reverend Mrs. Joke (pray for a better nickname) and their surprisingly well-behaved three-year old son. 

We tried the biscuits in gravy, which were absolutely amazing, and put the rest of the quite good food to shame.  We talked about the con, and travel, and comics, and all sorts of random things.  I suspect that we were a welcome bit of grownup interaction for our friends.  I really love Joke, and his family has completely charmed me.  I very much wish they lived next door.

Then they took us to their place, where we gave Joke a birthday gift (two games: Chrononauts and Pandemic) and they showed an episode of a sitcom called Big Bang Theory featuring a pointless and geeky variant of Rock, Paper, Scissors, which, despite adding the additional options of Lizard and Spock, still completely failed to resolve any disputes between them.  I have to admit, I laughed, despite my being too cool to enjoy any sitcom.

Then, a mad dash to the airport, a tolerable flight home, picking up the car, driving home, ended in a late bedtime.  The cats were only normally psyched to see us.  Clearly, our cat sitter did a great job in making them feel loved and secure.

I had a sore throat by that point, so I spent most of Tuesday sleeping, and then BAM!  Back to the soul-crushing grind of professional nerd-dom.  :)

ETA: some press coverage of this year's con.  None of them mention me.

The Emory University paper on the whole con; the Journal Constitution on the Shatner/Nimoy panel (with video clip), the DesMoines Register on the guy who organized the blood drive, and someone at a website called BSC Reviews on her Con experience, complete with cute pictures of her daughter.

Day 3:

Another slow off the mark day.  In retrospect, it's clear I was coming down some sort of con crud, but at the time, I just felt moderately washed out in the morning.  Whatever was going on, I slept through the 10 AM Torchwood panel, the 11:30 Q&A with Gene Wolf, and wound up getting to the con too late for either the Hellboy panel with Scott Allie  & Mike Mignola or the Patrick Stewart appearance.  I also missed, at various points, all of the frakking Babylon 5 panels, and the intriguing panel on the still in production 11th Doctor episodes.  I did, however, make omelets for the three of us, and lunches, and clean up a lot of the mess from the raucous Squee party.

I can't recall exactly what M and I did once we actually reached the con, but we soon wound up hanging out with the bubbly nicole_anell in some other person's suite, waiting for sabaceanbabe to come by with a video she made for M's birthday (her contribution to freshcraftmills .  THANK YOU VERY MUCH!)  For some reason, I was feeling sort of depressed and maybe even crabby.

I went off to catch a panel in the Hyatt about the Space Ghost Coast to Coast cartoon, but I couldn't find the room.  Instead, I wandered into the art show, which was OK, and then into the comics room, which was cool.  I chatted for a bit with David Petersen about how cool Mouse Guard was, how well it sold in our store (both the comics and GNS, and the RPG as well), and asked him to keep us in mind if he ever did a signing tour in the Northeast, as we'd be delighted to have for both comics and gaming events.  I also spoke with a sales rep for Avatar Press, and learned interesting things about their actual inventory levels, versus our ability to order reships from Diamond.  

[I also noticed, but forgot the name of, an artist who did some funny yet hot drawings, featuring stuff like a half-naked Batgirl lying in bed, with the Bat Cave behind her, thinking "Boy Wonder indeed", or Lt. Uhura pulling slave-garbed Princess Leia into a passionate kiss.  I actually felt rather self-conscious while I looked the booth over.  The artist approved of my grammar matters T-shirt.  I think her name was Cat Staggs, but I'm not sure.  Cat Staggs, however, definitely did this awesome Dr. Girlfriend piece, and it looks similar to what I saw, so I'll leave it at that for now.]

Perhaps fortified by my foray into schmoozing retailer mode, I then managed to find spacepug in the lobby upstairs.  I ill-advisedly ate a hot dog and chicken fingers.  (No serious consequences, but over the next couple of hours I came to understand that my digestive tract did not approve of these culinary shenanigans, and that I should have waited for similarly overpriced, but tastier, food.)  Anyway, SP and I chatted for a bit while we waited for M and her M to join us.  fuschia spotted us, and we socialized for a bit before she went off to a Dark Fantasy panel (?), and then SP and I went and found millari in the Marriott, and eventually settled down to chat for about 90 minutes about... nothing earth shattering.  Gossipy stuff about the housing market in Vancouver, and living with injuries, and other things that I can't even remember.  I'm pretty sure I actually let the other two talk for a significant portion of the time, too.  It was a high point of the convention for me, though, from the simple joy of spending time with someone I quite like, even though I still don't know her that well, yet.  I look forward to our next visit.)

We might have chatted for hours more, except that I noticed there was a BSG panel in five minutes, so we dashed down the stairs and went to that.

and now it's really late, so I'll finish this up tomorrow.  I still haven't gotten to our dinner with AJ. :)