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1) I'm pleased by the results of last week's election.  Four more years of Obama will be better than four years of Romney, and six years of Elizabeth Warren will, I think, be better than Scott Brown.  More generally, I'm pleased that the hateful and blinkered clique that controls the GOP was so soundly rejected across the land.  I hope the real Republicans retake their party from the zealots.  We need them to call us lefties on our many failings.

2) Millari went back to see my family with me this weekend, and that was big help. She's been a rock for me, and I hope I don't lean on her too much.

3) Talking with friends has helped me to recognize that I'm someone who forms intense romantic bonds.  In the case of Grounded, the ones I formed many years ago, once unearthed and confronted with the marvelous reality of who she is now, became very strong once again.  Yet, I just don't see that she feels the same way, and I don't think the lives we have separately chosen mesh well.  So, I'm going to break off contact with her for a while, until I can accept things as they are.  I hope this won't take 5 to 10 years this time. :(

4) M and I saw Cloud Atlas the other day, and it's fantastic.  I love the book, and the movie adapts it for the screen well, keeping enough of its nested narrative structure to evoke the parallels and contrasts it featured, while keeping the action moving and providing a gorgeous spectacle.  Several actors played multiple parts in different times and places, and I think the complaints about 'yellow face' or other race fail problems miss the forest for the trees: all the actors who play multiple parts are made up in a different race or gender.  This isn't done as mockery or appropriation (the main issues this sort of race fail raises), but as a commentary on the fluidity of gender and identity.  I will not dispute with anyone who considers the experiment a failure, but I don't think it offends in the way that the Jazz Singer or White Girls do.

5) I have a friend who works for FEMA, and who is deployed in Brooklyn.  Apparently, even two weeks after Sandy, things are still pretty rough out there, and many people are desperate.  Kudos to the relief workers who are struggling mightily to help people, and kudos to the activists of Occupy Wall Street, who have started organizing their own informal relief effort.

6) Louis CK did a great bit on Saturday Night Live last week in the style of his sitcom, except he was playing Abraham Lincoln as a sad sack comedian.
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I'm working a 12 hour day here at the NY store, and another full day tomorrow.  It's only our fourth day open, so things are slow.  The store looks good, but there are lot projects to work on before we're ready for the grand opening.

My mom is apparently running a fever of 102 F (44 C) and has gone back to Holy Family Hospital.  I'm starting to grasp that she's really ill, and that this won't be over soon.  :(

New York is still recovering from Hurricane Sandy.  I'm staying with usakeh, and many roads in her town are still blocked off by fallen trees and severed power lines.  There a long lines at every filling station.  I fear this is just the first taste of our societal collapse as climate change accelerates, but it's great to see the way people here are rallying  to meet the challenge.  They're even excited to see a new comic book store. :)

I think I'm finally figuring out what I want from Grounded, so I guess all the driving around has been helpful.

I just saw a short video by a Mount Holyoke professor in which she discusses correcting a congenital vision problem she had, and how she trained her brain to correct it in her 40s.  

The big election is on three days away.  I hope the candidates I support win, but more than anything I fear that no matter who we elect, we won't do what we must to save ourselves.  It's frustrating that years of Bible-thumper ranting and cynically poisonous Republican rhetoric have made scientifically valid warnings that we're on the brink of disaster sound like just more political bloviation.


Oct. 31st, 2012 01:33 am
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I had a lovely meal with Grounded tonight at Munich Haus in Chicopee.  The food was unreservedly tasty.  I had Jaeger Schnitzel with Spetzel and red cabbage, and they were excellent.  Grounded had some sort of mulled wine that was pretty good for something with alcohol in it.  I will go again, and I must officially concede the traditional German food can, in fact, be OK.  (Still not trying sauerbraten until someone tells me what it is.)
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I had a long talk with the Morlock this evening, commiserating about his recent reversal of fortune, the prospects for President Obama's re-election, whether Marvel comics is totally out of ideas or not, race vs class warfare, employee relations, and what the fuck is wrong with rich people?

Along the way, he called me out on being a good person, and I was more or less OK with it.  I'm uncomfortable with simply asserting "I am a good person", lest I become Jane Eyre's aunt, but I do make a conscious effort to fit the criteria for moral goodness, which to my mind means 'courteous, humble, compassionate, diffident, reflective, curious, funny, and generous'.  I have achieved some success in my efforts, and several of you have been kind enough to validate me over the years, much to my discomfort.

One of the things I admire about Grounded is that, in surviving a difficult childhood, she granted herself permission to believe in her own self-worth.  She's far from arrogant, but she is very comfortable with who she is, the life she lives, and what she wants.  My own path has been somewhat different, and there are different pitfalls that I have had to navigate (a topic for another post), but I think I might be ready to start giving myself that same permission.  I hope that I shall not fall in complacency.

For my next trick, I'll come up with a blurb for myself so I can maybe start dating or something.
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This has been a very busy time for me at work.  Last weekend, I went to Morristown NJ to sell stuff and promote the in-the-works Modern Myths NY at DexCon.  It was a bit of a drag driving down and then working late setting up on July 4, but the con itself wasn't too much work and, as I mentioned in my last post, I had some fun.  (I also tried Legend Of The Five Rings, a long-standing RPG that we carry and that I didn't know at all, so I got to have fun and learn something useful. :)

Driving back from the show on Sunday evening, I was feeling really sleepy, so I called a few friends for conversation to keep me awake.  The first couple of folks I tried weren't home, but Grounded was, so I talked to her for 20 minutes.  A nice chat, and while I think I'm still doing some grieving, I definitely feel better about myself and happy to have her as a friend.

In what might qualify as a modern miracle, two different insurance plans of my father's just paid our claims for his care in full.  His care is still shockingly expensive, but now it won't eat up all the family money in only 3-5 years.

I have started walking a couple of days a week in the morning with my friend [alias TBD], which is a good start towards my 'fit into my tux before a friend's wedidng' goal.  Also, it's nice to have nerdy chats about all sorts of stuff.  I don't know who else would tell me about the history of boxing and how it intertwines with racism in America.  Or that the NHL's fan base is growing in the south, possibly because hockey is the last remaining major sport with almost no black players.

Hmmmm, wow, have I really not posted about my college reunion in May?  OK, well, I flew out to Ohio for my 20th reunion from Kenyon College.  I stayed with friends in Granville and drove back and forth to Gambier on Thursday to Saturday.  I got to catch up with a number of my friends from my year in Exeter, which was great.  I went on the 'ghost tour' with Professor Shutt, who is older but still a goofy and charming raconteur.  (Still no word on whether Gunnar is home, but his halberd is. :)   I also spent some time with the Church of Otis crowd, and it was great to see them, particularly [ FVC alias also TBD] and her new boyfriend.  I have known FVC since I was a freshman, and I long had a crush on her (which she knows all about), and she's been an out lesbian all that time, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this guy she's been living with the past year.  Happily, I quite like him.  He's a friendly, grounded, witty person, and a great fit for her.  She's the happiest I have seen her in years.  I would love to see them again soon.

I am slowly migrating my life back into the master bedroom.  The key steps of getting a new bed and sheets etc. has been achieved.  There's more to do, but Feisty approves of bigger bed to share with me.

It's time for me to go, but I'm just going to mention that the fireflies were spectacular this year, and that on the weekend of July first I watched the Easthampton fireworks from my living room window, while the fireflies dancing in the foreground in my backyard.  It was lovely.
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Well, it's been 4 months since I made contact with Grounded again.  I saw her around my birthday, and then she went away on vacation.  I've been waiting for her to contact me since then, and she hasn't, which disappoints me.  I got in touch with her because I still had powerful feelings for her, left over from our time together 18 years ago.  Since then, I have seen her a few times, and I have taken pains to carefully examine my heart, and I feel confident that I love her.  I'm at a loss to explain just why, or how I know, but I feel it profoundly.  Being with her makes me happy, and I want to be with her through thick and thin, for the rest of my life.  I understand that that is a huge commitment, and I can only dimly imagine where that will take me (us!) if we take the journey together. 

What I do know is that I trust my subconscious. I could give it more time, I could hang back and wait some more, but the only reason to do so would be because I refuse to believe in myself.  I have always been a good judge of character, and I have worked hard over the past 25 years to understand my feelings, and it's paid off.  Moreover, while I constantly question myself because I don't want to be  obliviously privileged, the truth is I have many fine qualities that would make me a great life partner for her.  I'm smart, better educated than most, funny, generous, and compassionate.  I'm financially secure.  I'm more attuned to my feelings than most men.  And (at least in her judgment), I'm even good looking. 

So, I'm through hanging back.  I'm going to take the plunge, and tell just what I feel and what I want.  I don't know how she'll respond,  but she'll either reject me (and break my heart again, and then I'll get over it again) or she'll accept me, at least tentatively, and then the adventure will begin (and that's what really scares me, because it could be wonderful.)

In other news, I finally sent in the claim form for Dad's long term care policy, Filthy Assistant friended me on Facebook (yay!), I saw both Cabin In The Woods and Avengers (and loved them both, and I now acknowledge that Joss Whedon may actually merit the hype), and I got three tickets to see Dead Can Dance on August 29 in New York.  I'm going, and I don't know who shall accompany me.  Anyone who is interested, get in touch and let me know, and I'll figure out who to give them to.
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I had lunch today with my old flame, whom I shall refer to as Grounded henceforth. This is only the third time I have seen her since I got in touch, and I still must contain a tumult of emotions when I see her. The best word I can think of for it is "elation"--it's like my actual heart muscle is spontaneously resisting gravity. It's unsettling, unnerving, distracting, and wonderful. I'm happy just being in her presence.

Can this last? Should I place any faith in this passion? It will all end in tears, but when and why will it do so?

For now, I'm just happy that she laughed and smiled at me, (and were her eyes always so blue?) and will come to my birthday party.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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It was OK. Not as dramatic as I had hoped/feared, not painful or joyous or intense. Really, it was nothing like what I had imagined, but just what I had wanted: a conversation between two people who used to know each other, who had had a relationship once, and who had moved on to make different lives, and were happy to catch up again.

For my, my relationship with {Grounded} had been a major, emotional intense episode in my life, unmatched by anything else. For her, I think it was part of a drama that played out mostly with other people, that started before we met and continued after we broke off contact.

In some ways, I'm pleased with myself for having made a real life for myself, that I haven't been simply sitting around pining for her, and that I'm a grown-up she can respect. On the other hand, she's got a full, busy life as a doctor, a mom, and someone with friends and interests and autonomy. I must strive not to take the opportunity to flog myself with a litany of ways I could be cooler, busier, more accomplished, etc. My life is a process, I can change the things I don't like, I can rescue myself from my dungeons, and other people who know me well don't see me as a failure unworthy of respect. (Thank you, little blue pills and years of therapy for letting me even perceive this perspective.)

We're going to get together again for coffee or something in a few weeks. I feel a bit of a let down, but I am glad to finally have some reality to deal with, to scorch away Miss Havisham in her yellowing dress. Because I still like her, and I want to get to know her as an actual person, and not a memory.


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