Resolution, and some other things.

[grinninfoole]

Well, it's been 4 months since I made contact with Grounded again.  I saw her around my birthday, and then she went away on vacation.  I've been waiting for her to contact me since then, and she hasn't, which disappoints me.  I got in touch with her because I still had powerful feelings for her, left over from our time together 18 years ago.  Since then, I have seen her a few times, and I have taken pains to carefully examine my heart, and I feel confident that I love her.  I'm at a loss to explain just why, or how I know, but I feel it profoundly.  Being with her makes me happy, and I want to be with her through thick and thin, for the rest of my life.  I understand that that is a huge commitment, and I can only dimly imagine where that will take me (us!) if we take the journey together. 

What I do know is that I trust my subconscious. I could give it more time, I could hang back and wait some more, but the only reason to do so would be because I refuse to believe in myself.  I have always been a good judge of character, and I have worked hard over the past 25 years to understand my feelings, and it's paid off.  Moreover, while I constantly question myself because I don't want to be  obliviously privileged, the truth is I have many fine qualities that would make me a great life partner for her.  I'm smart, better educated than most, funny, generous, and compassionate.  I'm financially secure.  I'm more attuned to my feelings than most men.  And (at least in her judgment), I'm even good looking. 

So, I'm through hanging back.  I'm going to take the plunge, and tell just what I feel and what I want.  I don't know how she'll respond,  but she'll either reject me (and break my heart again, and then I'll get over it again) or she'll accept me, at least tentatively, and then the adventure will begin (and that's what really scares me, because it could be wonderful.)

In other news, I finally sent in the claim form for Dad's long term care policy, Filthy Assistant friended me on Facebook (yay!), I saw both Cabin In The Woods and Avengers (and loved them both, and I now acknowledge that Joss Whedon may actually merit the hype), and I got three tickets to see Dead Can Dance on August 29 in New York.  I'm going, and I don't know who shall accompany me.  Anyone who is interested, get in touch and let me know, and I'll figure out who to give them to.

Comments

[mole-underfield.livejournal.com]

I would love to see Dead Can Dance! May I accompany you?

[millari.livejournal.com]

I loved reading this post. It felt so liberating for you.

You know, there's something to be said for just going for it and taking the leap and *finding out* where the hell that is all going if you can. For so long, I've had conversations with you about how you fear just jumping in and taking chances like this. And it's totally because you don't believe in yourself enough. On a symbolic level, I have to wonder if you have been in the past attracted to women who were "taken" by other men at the time because it was a way to prove to yourself that you were worthy, attractive, desirable. Like, if these people are willing to completely break down a relationship on your behalf, you must finally be able to call yourself worth paying attention to, no? (I don't mean to say that this is all it ever was, but maybe that it was a strong element back then.)

Now you are trying again with one of these people who fell into this pattern. She is available now, and you still want her, so I think that's a good sign that you are not using her to feel worthy. That's a good sign. I suspect it might mean that you think you are worthy. :) This post only adds to my speculations.

I really hope the two of us can get all the awesome things in life. I daresay we both just maybe deserve them. ;) Fear sucks, and I don't have to put up with it, and nor do you.

Go you!

[fuschia.livejournal.com]

Good for you for putting yourself out there...I know it isn't easy. Good luck, hon. *hugs*