grinninfoole

Alas, she does not feel about me like I feel about her. I do wonder if this is indicative of some personal flaw that I must address, or if my sample size is simply too small. As with many things in life, rejection is an inevitable part of the process. Food for thought in 2015.

For now, what matters is I spoke my mind fully and well, and I'm the better for it.

1) This coming Saturday will be the second Paint & Pixel Festival.  I've managed to arrange programming this year, which is good, but I still feel like I did a slap-dash job, and kind of guilty about it.  Peggy continues to impress with her passion and capability. 

We're hosting comics workshops for kids at the store as part of the build up to the show.  Colin, the education guy, has done a great job setting these up and running them.  Peggy also sponsored a couple of movie nights at Popcorn Noir, the next of which is the Muppet Movie on Thursday..... which will conflict with my Deadlands game.  aargh!

Oh, and there's a filk band performing in the Mythos on Monday at 7, which could conflict with dinner plans!  double argh!

2) On columbus day, M and I went to NYC, met with the Ladies of Brattleboro for dinner at the Green Table, and then went to see Sleep No More, which is an extraordinary experience in immersive theater.  One is given a mask & enjoined not to speak, and for up to 3 hours one wonders around inside a warehouse of four or five stories where a troop of interpretive dancers performs something inspired by Macbeth.  One can explore the trappings of the set as much as one wishes, or follow performers around or hang out in the lounge.  It's a choose your own adventure style of show, though only as an observer.   I wound up following one stunning beautiful woman around for a while, and wound up getting whisked into a locked room for a short private performance that, while a scripted part of the show, was quite intimate and moving.  Which, if you are thinking of something sexual, is completely wrong--yet it felt like everything you would fantasize about.  A great experience which was well worth the cost.  I plan to go back at some point.

3) My mom is still in a rehab hospital, still in real pain, but I think getting better.  I hope.  Dad is still slipping away a bit at a time.

4) I drove back to Andover last night, couldn't sleep, and watched the Matrix Reloaded on demand.  It's better than I recalled.  The talky scenes make more sense when I can process the sometimes ornate and philosophical dialog, and some of the WTF plot twists actual do make some logical sense.  The biggest weakness that remains, for me, are the pointless action scenes.  The first Matrix was good in part because all the fight scenes served the story, developed character, and looked cool.  In Reloaded, there a couple of set pieces that just take up time. If the Wachowskis had done more with them, they'd have greatly improved the movie.  (Three examples: the introductory fight with Seraph--what does tussling with Neo for two minutes tell him, or us, that we don't know?; then. the  big fight scene with a crowd of Agent Smiths drags on; and the fight with the Merovingian's goons in his foyer is designed to waste Neo's time, but must it waste ours?  What's the point of another display of kung fu?  Are these guys really as challenging as the huge crowd of Agent Smiths?)  On the whole, I stick by some of my earlier criticisms, but I have to upgrade my rating of the film.

5) Sometimes I'm fine, and sometimes the depression gets to me.  I need to spend more time with friends.  I clearly need that.

6) Had an interesting talk with Morlock about making changes in my life. He pointed out that I'm still struggling with some of the same questions that bugged me years ago.  Maybe, he suggested, I need new questions.  hmmmmmmmmmmm.

7) 2013 must be the year I learn to budget.  Just because my desires have heretofore not exceeded my means, doesn't mean those means are inexhaustible. I must get the hang of identifying priorities, choosing amongst them, and then setting aside the others while resisting impulsive spending.  Good grief!

Or, in my case, not so much.

Hurricane Irene, which did enormous damage in the Caribbean, was barely a tropical storm by the time it got to my house.  Virginia, New Jersey, New York, Vermont, even nearby towns in Massachusetts, have all had dangerous floods.  Fortunately for me personally, my house is near the top of a hill with excellent drainage, so I'm basically OK.  M and I got some groceries and extra batteries, and spent a few hours making food that we could have if we lost power for a while. 

And we did lose power at about 9 AM. 

It was back on before 10 AM, and we haven't had any problems since.  For us, it was just a cloudy, blustery, rainy summer's day.  It cleared up after  4 PM, and we went for a walk.


Some more general stuff about me and my life:

1) I hemmed and hawed from March to July about my job. On the one hand, I have a job that's reasonably fun, at which I'm reasonably good (and experienced) and which has several attractive perks (wholesale cost graphic novels and games, running D&D games professionally, serious nerd cred, lots of time around things I love), but which pays poorly.  On the other, I love teaching, almost any teaching job would pay at least 40% more (and could easily reach 100%), and teaching has a social cachet that retail store clerk does not.  However, searching for a teaching job requires the same mental and emotional resources as research did in grad school, and that's hard for me.  Plus, this is a bad job market.

After careful reflection, I decided to ask for a raise at Modern Myths, and to stay if i got it.  After some awkward negotiations (salary negotiations require a somewhat different approach from home purchasing negotiations), I got a raise that met my minimum requirements.  After a month of the new regime, I am pleased with my choice.  I have found MG a pleasure to work with/for, I'm getting more free weekends (and more latitude in my hours in other ways), I'm finding the new mix of responsibility and autonomy energizing, and the opportunities for personal and professional growth open at the store right now (as JC starts up a store in New York) must be seized now or not at all.  Everything that's appealing about teaching will still be there in, say, two years (assuming society doesn't implode).

2) Millari and I continue to share the house we bought together.  We continue to be best of friends, and good housemates.  She was away for about a month this summer, visiting her girl in Germany, and I found living alone to be difficult at times (especially when I got sick), but also to have its attractions.  The biggest surprise for me has been that I would often prefer to go home and watch TV alone, rather than go out and see people.  I don't know if that's a genuine personality trait (given my father & brother's dispositions, it might be), or if that was an effect of depression.

Anyway, now that M is home, we have begun to discuss the painful subject of furthering our separation.  I know that it's something that I need to do, but right now it's difficult.  I'm not dating anyone yet, so I have a very comfortable home life with a beloved family member on the plus side, and no real drawbacks.  It's different for M, because she's got a girl (who is actually pretty cool), so she's got an emotional stone in her shoe to prompt her to make changes.

I have, for now at least, made a firm professional commitment, which has in turn reinforced my sense of identity.  I am loathe to undo the other mainstay of my sense of self (and, really, the best decision I think I have made heretofore in my life), but I know from experience that if I don't keep moving on this, I'll regret it later.  I just hope that I don't have to let things turn into an ugly confrontation in order to proceed, as I have seen that happen to others.  (in particular to Fran, a woman I have known since college, who used to have a lovely relationship with the woman she married, but which has curdled, to say the least.)  I would find it deeply painful if my friends found it necessary to pick sides.

3) My parents continue in declining health.  I visited on Friday and Saturday, and in addition to helping my brother make (as it turned out, unnecessary) preparations for the storm, I gave my dad a short test I found in a book M gave me about living with and caring for people with Alzheimer's.  The idea of the test is that, if the person does well, they most likely don't have it, and if they do poorly, they might.  Dad did poorly on one element (naming as many animals as he could in a minute--he got 10), but had no trouble remembering the month, day, date, year, who is and who was president; telling time on a clock face; and little trouble remembering four images of common objects that I showed him (which is fine, since he is 82).  So, it's possible he doesn't have Alzheimer's, which is great.  Except that I have no idea what the hell is wrong, or what to do about it, if he doesn't.  My loins, I must gird them.

I have been meaning to post for the past week, but I haven't made the time, despite staying up late.  Well, no more.  Surely you, my myriad readers, are desperate for news of me, so here it is. 

I moved into my new space last Saturday, so it's been a week.  It still feels a bit strange, but I'm adjusted better than I feared.  I feel rested when I sleep, and I like the space, though it still looks new to my eyes, and so this still feels like a bit of an adventure.  I must keep making time for making it mine.   There shall be a place for everything, and everything shall be in its place, but I shall first have to find all the things, get rid of stuff I no longer want, and then find places for the rest.  I can do it, but I must keep plugging away, and not just allow piles to acrete.  F found the change in dad space weird for a couple of days, but now she's got it figured out.

One good thing is that I'm so far succeeding in developing a habit of exercising when I get up in the morning.  I hope to end the year feeling strong and healthy and confident.  I had a look at the online schedule for my old dojo, as I'm thinking of starting Aikido again in the spring, and I was shocked to see that Kanai sensei had died seven years ago.  I know I have been away for a while, but damn....


Scattershotness:

I'm helping to organize the Paint and Pixel Festival in April.  It's a new event to showcase the many great artists in the wilds of western New England.  I have managed to hook a couple of headliners, but now I need to follow through on spreading the word so folks actually buy some tables.  I don't have any money in this, but I'd like it to become a success.  I took this on because I kind of miss the fun of organizing 5Con, I'm looking for new things to do to reinvent myself, I figure it will look OK on my resume, and the organizer is smoking hot.  (And happily married, so there's nothing in the offing there, because I'm done with that dance, but apparently I'm still susceptible to the prickings of my libido. :)

I have some friends who are apparently struggling to pull themselves from the slough of despond, and I haven't heard much from them of late.  You guys know who you are.  I'm pulling for you.  Call when you can.

(It's quite windy with gusts up to 50 mph; earlier there was a <i>thunderstorm</i>.  In February.  Frakking global warming.)

I made really tasty stew tonight.  M and I had some after we watched Fringe.  It feels good to watch a new show and be current on it.  Fringe isn't my favorite show, but it's really well done, and I'm impressed by how well written and structured it is.

I have seen some season 1 Deep Space Nine episodes recently, because M borrowed them from a friend, and is watching them with her inamorata.  I had forgotten just how strong that show was, and how well characterized it was, right from the start.  I'll probably say more about this later.

M and I are going back east to visit my family tomorrow.  I plan to interview my dad about his life, before he either dies or becomes so senile he won't remember anything.  I hope I haven't left it too late.

Carla Speed McNeil has finally published a new Finder book, called Voice.  It's about Rachel Grosvenor, now a young woman, and her struggle to earn formal acceptance into Clan Llaverac.  Things have gone wrong, and she needs Jaeger, but he's not around, so she has to go find him.  It's superb.  Man, she really is amazing comics creator and SF writer.  With the possible exception of Stan Sakai's Usagi Yojimbo, this is the best creator-owned, one person writer/artist comic currently ongoing.  if you aren't reading yet, start now. 

I'm going to start sleeping, myself. 

Good night everyone. 

morlock  also posed me some posers.  Answers below.  Let me know if you'd like to play, too.

( It's all about me. (Which is how I like it.) )

I have been looking back at 2006 while looking ahead to 2007.  We shall see where this year takes me.

First, looking back:  I completed  some of my resolutions for last year, and started others.  (click here if you'd care to see for yourself http://grinninfoole.livejournal.com/2006/01/04/) ; I have completed the primary goal of getting a job that pays adequately, working full time at Modern Myths.  After the disappointment of not getting the upcoming full-time position, Lefty and I talked about the financial particulars of how I get paid, and we have worked out an arrangement wherein I am off the books as an hourly employee, and now get guaranteed payments as an owner.  In practical terms, this means that, for about the same cost to the store, I get paid more than $1.50 more hour, which will cover the mortgage and a bit more, which I think will be adequate.  It's not a solution for the rest of my days, but this will be the first time in my life I have earned my own keep, so I claim victory and depart the field.

I have also accomplished the contingent goals of marriage and home-ownership.  The other goals are more open-ended: I didn't exercise every day last year, but I did exercise some days.  I didn't play much with Feisty, but we did get her a playmate.  I didn't write a book, but I did start writing one.  So, while I sat down to write this feeling like a failure, on reflection I see that I was actually quite successful last year.  Hurray!  And damn this self-criticism!

So, for 2007:

1) Finish my book (first draft, at least).  I have started writing a novel, probably a fantasy novel, though in heart it feels more like SF. The world needs it like a hole in the head, but I'm doing it anyway.

2) Keep exercising.

3) Stop falling back on damaging behavior when I feel upset, like eating lots of sugar and dairy.

4) Read 50 books this year.

I'd like to learn Spanish, but I don't know when I'd make the time for it, now that I'm working full-time and writing.  I list this here not as a goal, but an aspiration.  I shan't give up on this.

This goals list seems thin as I look it over.  I must give it more thought.

I have been wanting to post for several days, now, and feeling as though I am dropping the ball by not doing so, and now that I sit down to do so, I'm at loss for something worth typing. There are five online diaries that I read with some regularity, all of them because they are interesting and because I like the people writing them even though I have only ever met one of them. At times, though, I read them and feel like a failure, because I feel like I should be devoting my time and energy to interviewing famous people and writing lots of reviews of new books and films and gaming a lot (well, to be fair, I do spend too much energy on gaming), or making films with Dave McKean, or building a frickin' space robot.

I have to remember that, if I'm going to experience the adventure of life, I have to walk the path before me, and choose my destination. Currently, I'm doing too little of either. It's still all too easy for to pull into my shell, especially if I feel that no one is paying attention. Perhaps this is where my little interest in secrecy comes from.

Anyway, I'm off to take my next three steps (exercise; dispose of Xmas tree and buy groceries; enter more data in my how-do-I-spend my money project) and then run my game tonight. I'm excited to do that, but I'll feel a lot better if I have done enough to 'deserve' some fun. Christian moralism can fuck off with the other hypocrites, but I do like the title "Purpose Driven Life".

I have been looking at the LJs of a few US soldiers posted in Iraq. I am very glad that I am not there. Ordinary life has left enough emotional scars for me, I'm glad I haven't had to shoot anyone. (or get shot, for that matter.) I am troubled by my sense that expressing a willingness to listen to someone's service stories will come across as ghoulish, though. I'd like to think I can genuinely empathize with any human experience, even if it's one I haven't shared.

I appreciate anew my mother for her strength of character in raising me. My father, her father, and some of her so-called friends all had very little respect for her opinions and feelings, and I am profoundly grateful that was able to cope with all of their bullshit without taking it out on me, or drinking too much, or popping pills. Now, however, I feel guilty for not doing more to make her life easier, but I honestly feel that the biggest stressor she faces is my Dad's white-knuckled grip on his emotional equilibrium. Everything and anything is a crisis, and he unthinkingly carries on as if his distress excuses him from considering how others feel, especially my mom. Every time I talk to her and she's having a bad day, it's because his tantrums have tired her out. I can't make him stop and I can't give her more self-confidence so she can tune him out, but I feel bad for not doing more.

I may well have an extension for my school work, after all. Go figure.

I still have not seen, but wish to see, Farenheit 9/11. I suspect, however, that the documentary folks should have been paying attention to, though, is the Hunting of the President. Yeah, it's about Clinton, but damn, people, most of those fuckers are right there with Bush, today.

Going away on a trip to England and France soon. I hope all goes well.

Looks like I won't get to go to Gencon, after all. A bummer, but I won't mind the extra writing time.

Feisty has really taken to sitting with me when I use the computer: crouching on the computer table, perching on the window sill, or sitting on the other chair. Sometimes, she meows at me. She's such a sweetie, I'll miss her while I'm away. Must make arrangements for her for those days. (Yet another reason to miss Filthyassistant.)

Speaking of FA, I had occasion to reflect upon our time together as roommates, and to consider what a lousy job of setting up personal boundaries I did. I can't recall the number of times she asked me simple questions like "when will you be home? Would you like me to make us dinner?" to which I couldn't give straight answers. In retrospect, I was a big pain to live with. I guess Feisty is even more charming than I had realized. :)

I would just like to begin by observing that, had I been writing the first version of this post on my mac, I would never have lost it because of the computer randomly freezing as I tried to post.


Yesterday, I came to a realization: the rest of you don’t think the same way I do. I realize that that idea probably keeps some of you warm at night, and I have, for years, known that many people find me weird, but I haven’t really understood why. Yesterday, I think I have finally grasped what’s wrong with you all: you’re not literal minded enough.

When I was a child, I remember being taught about the Battles of Lexington and Concord, which began the Revolution. The first one, Lexington, started with the Shot Heard Around The World. As a child, I was fascinated by this event. How did they know that it was heard all over the world? Did they check? Did reports come in from China, or ambassadors asking ‘hey, what was that gun shot last week?’ What peculiar conditions allowed the sound of that one particular shot, as opposed to all the other shots before or since, to carry so far? Was it random, or was it somehow connected to the importance of the events that day? As a teenager, I one day realized that it was just a metaphor. I wondered why the grown ups hadn’t bothered to explain that.

This is how I think about everything I read, see, or hear. And, it’s not limited just to figures of speech. For instance, when I saw Underworld, it bothered me from the opening scene, because (apart from the cinematographer laying the mood on too thick), Kate Beckinsale drops from a church steeple over 100 to the pavement below. And no one notices. Moreover, OK, she’s undead, it doesn’t hurt her, fine, but unless she ways next to nothing, the force of her impact should have shattered the concrete slab upon which she lands. And could those cute boots of hers really stand up to that impact? I bet that didn’t bother most of you, but it drove me nuts.

I think that this mental quirk is connected to my ADD, which is, after all, just jargon for ‘my brain works abnormally.’

[Oh, and Syd, this is the heart of why I’m interested in the history and meanings of words: because quite often buried within them are literal meanings that interestingly contrast or even contradict their current usage. A fabulous example is ‘manufacture’ which literally means ‘to make by hand.’]