Sex & me (Warning: emotionally explicit)
Mar. 9th, 2002 01:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleI have been thinking about this a lot recently. Not in the usual, obvious sense. I mean, I have been thinking about what's actually involved for me in having sex. I haven't had that many sexual partners, and I have gone years without having sex at all. Moreover, when I have had sex, I often haven't really enjoyed it. I have been thinking about that.
This has mattered for two reasons--one, I have twice in the past year had sex with Sabbath, despite having lots of reasons not to, and having to disconnect my ability for self-examination in order to do it, because I was afraid of what I would see. This tells me that it was something I really wanted to do, that it fulfilled a deep-seated need, and considering how painfully my falling out with F has damaged my life, it's one I need to address NOW.
Second, I think I'd like to fuck FA's Cuteroommate. She seems at least somewhat receptive to the idea, though I'm nervous about it. I don't know how much we have in common, and how easily we could talk together and strike up a real friendship, especially given that she has a more demanding work schedule than I do. It matters to me that there be a relationship (meaningful if not life-long and committed), which I know seriously restricts my access to nookie.
The connection between my feelings about Sabbath and Cuteroomie is this: I am afraid to be touched with love. I am afraid to lower my guard, and be a receiver of romantic/sexual attention, to surrender to pleasure at the hands of another. This fear leads me to emotionally withdraw, to feel a certain distance, and sometimes even to feel nothing, when I am having sex. While I am quite comfortable touching someone else, making them feel good, I find it almost unbearable to reverse roles. Thus, I like cunnilingus but have little interest in fellatio.
I don't know what to do about these feelings yet--this is the first time I have been able to write about them, to objectify them enough to look at them. I do know that, since one of my goals in life is to find a lifemate and have children, I must deal with them if I'm not to live alone and afraid for the rest of my life.
And I hate to do things out of fear.
This has mattered for two reasons--one, I have twice in the past year had sex with Sabbath, despite having lots of reasons not to, and having to disconnect my ability for self-examination in order to do it, because I was afraid of what I would see. This tells me that it was something I really wanted to do, that it fulfilled a deep-seated need, and considering how painfully my falling out with F has damaged my life, it's one I need to address NOW.
Second, I think I'd like to fuck FA's Cuteroommate. She seems at least somewhat receptive to the idea, though I'm nervous about it. I don't know how much we have in common, and how easily we could talk together and strike up a real friendship, especially given that she has a more demanding work schedule than I do. It matters to me that there be a relationship (meaningful if not life-long and committed), which I know seriously restricts my access to nookie.
The connection between my feelings about Sabbath and Cuteroomie is this: I am afraid to be touched with love. I am afraid to lower my guard, and be a receiver of romantic/sexual attention, to surrender to pleasure at the hands of another. This fear leads me to emotionally withdraw, to feel a certain distance, and sometimes even to feel nothing, when I am having sex. While I am quite comfortable touching someone else, making them feel good, I find it almost unbearable to reverse roles. Thus, I like cunnilingus but have little interest in fellatio.
I don't know what to do about these feelings yet--this is the first time I have been able to write about them, to objectify them enough to look at them. I do know that, since one of my goals in life is to find a lifemate and have children, I must deal with them if I'm not to live alone and afraid for the rest of my life.
And I hate to do things out of fear.
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Date: 2002-03-10 08:08 pm (UTC)No warranty for the safety or merchantability of this product is express or implied. Use at own risk. Keep fingers inside vehicle at all times. Fooles are fed by their keepers regularly. I may say something stupid or hurtful in an effort to continue lying to myself. Please don't take that personally--though you are hereby indemnified from laughing about it at my expense in years to come.