Sex & me (Warning: emotionally explicit)
Mar. 9th, 2002 01:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleI have been thinking about this a lot recently. Not in the usual, obvious sense. I mean, I have been thinking about what's actually involved for me in having sex. I haven't had that many sexual partners, and I have gone years without having sex at all. Moreover, when I have had sex, I often haven't really enjoyed it. I have been thinking about that.
This has mattered for two reasons--one, I have twice in the past year had sex with Sabbath, despite having lots of reasons not to, and having to disconnect my ability for self-examination in order to do it, because I was afraid of what I would see. This tells me that it was something I really wanted to do, that it fulfilled a deep-seated need, and considering how painfully my falling out with F has damaged my life, it's one I need to address NOW.
Second, I think I'd like to fuck FA's Cuteroommate. She seems at least somewhat receptive to the idea, though I'm nervous about it. I don't know how much we have in common, and how easily we could talk together and strike up a real friendship, especially given that she has a more demanding work schedule than I do. It matters to me that there be a relationship (meaningful if not life-long and committed), which I know seriously restricts my access to nookie.
The connection between my feelings about Sabbath and Cuteroomie is this: I am afraid to be touched with love. I am afraid to lower my guard, and be a receiver of romantic/sexual attention, to surrender to pleasure at the hands of another. This fear leads me to emotionally withdraw, to feel a certain distance, and sometimes even to feel nothing, when I am having sex. While I am quite comfortable touching someone else, making them feel good, I find it almost unbearable to reverse roles. Thus, I like cunnilingus but have little interest in fellatio.
I don't know what to do about these feelings yet--this is the first time I have been able to write about them, to objectify them enough to look at them. I do know that, since one of my goals in life is to find a lifemate and have children, I must deal with them if I'm not to live alone and afraid for the rest of my life.
And I hate to do things out of fear.
This has mattered for two reasons--one, I have twice in the past year had sex with Sabbath, despite having lots of reasons not to, and having to disconnect my ability for self-examination in order to do it, because I was afraid of what I would see. This tells me that it was something I really wanted to do, that it fulfilled a deep-seated need, and considering how painfully my falling out with F has damaged my life, it's one I need to address NOW.
Second, I think I'd like to fuck FA's Cuteroommate. She seems at least somewhat receptive to the idea, though I'm nervous about it. I don't know how much we have in common, and how easily we could talk together and strike up a real friendship, especially given that she has a more demanding work schedule than I do. It matters to me that there be a relationship (meaningful if not life-long and committed), which I know seriously restricts my access to nookie.
The connection between my feelings about Sabbath and Cuteroomie is this: I am afraid to be touched with love. I am afraid to lower my guard, and be a receiver of romantic/sexual attention, to surrender to pleasure at the hands of another. This fear leads me to emotionally withdraw, to feel a certain distance, and sometimes even to feel nothing, when I am having sex. While I am quite comfortable touching someone else, making them feel good, I find it almost unbearable to reverse roles. Thus, I like cunnilingus but have little interest in fellatio.
I don't know what to do about these feelings yet--this is the first time I have been able to write about them, to objectify them enough to look at them. I do know that, since one of my goals in life is to find a lifemate and have children, I must deal with them if I'm not to live alone and afraid for the rest of my life.
And I hate to do things out of fear.
