Sex & me (Warning: emotionally explicit)
Mar. 9th, 2002 01:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleI have been thinking about this a lot recently. Not in the usual, obvious sense. I mean, I have been thinking about what's actually involved for me in having sex. I haven't had that many sexual partners, and I have gone years without having sex at all. Moreover, when I have had sex, I often haven't really enjoyed it. I have been thinking about that.
This has mattered for two reasons--one, I have twice in the past year had sex with Sabbath, despite having lots of reasons not to, and having to disconnect my ability for self-examination in order to do it, because I was afraid of what I would see. This tells me that it was something I really wanted to do, that it fulfilled a deep-seated need, and considering how painfully my falling out with F has damaged my life, it's one I need to address NOW.
Second, I think I'd like to fuck FA's Cuteroommate. She seems at least somewhat receptive to the idea, though I'm nervous about it. I don't know how much we have in common, and how easily we could talk together and strike up a real friendship, especially given that she has a more demanding work schedule than I do. It matters to me that there be a relationship (meaningful if not life-long and committed), which I know seriously restricts my access to nookie.
The connection between my feelings about Sabbath and Cuteroomie is this: I am afraid to be touched with love. I am afraid to lower my guard, and be a receiver of romantic/sexual attention, to surrender to pleasure at the hands of another. This fear leads me to emotionally withdraw, to feel a certain distance, and sometimes even to feel nothing, when I am having sex. While I am quite comfortable touching someone else, making them feel good, I find it almost unbearable to reverse roles. Thus, I like cunnilingus but have little interest in fellatio.
I don't know what to do about these feelings yet--this is the first time I have been able to write about them, to objectify them enough to look at them. I do know that, since one of my goals in life is to find a lifemate and have children, I must deal with them if I'm not to live alone and afraid for the rest of my life.
And I hate to do things out of fear.
This has mattered for two reasons--one, I have twice in the past year had sex with Sabbath, despite having lots of reasons not to, and having to disconnect my ability for self-examination in order to do it, because I was afraid of what I would see. This tells me that it was something I really wanted to do, that it fulfilled a deep-seated need, and considering how painfully my falling out with F has damaged my life, it's one I need to address NOW.
Second, I think I'd like to fuck FA's Cuteroommate. She seems at least somewhat receptive to the idea, though I'm nervous about it. I don't know how much we have in common, and how easily we could talk together and strike up a real friendship, especially given that she has a more demanding work schedule than I do. It matters to me that there be a relationship (meaningful if not life-long and committed), which I know seriously restricts my access to nookie.
The connection between my feelings about Sabbath and Cuteroomie is this: I am afraid to be touched with love. I am afraid to lower my guard, and be a receiver of romantic/sexual attention, to surrender to pleasure at the hands of another. This fear leads me to emotionally withdraw, to feel a certain distance, and sometimes even to feel nothing, when I am having sex. While I am quite comfortable touching someone else, making them feel good, I find it almost unbearable to reverse roles. Thus, I like cunnilingus but have little interest in fellatio.
I don't know what to do about these feelings yet--this is the first time I have been able to write about them, to objectify them enough to look at them. I do know that, since one of my goals in life is to find a lifemate and have children, I must deal with them if I'm not to live alone and afraid for the rest of my life.
And I hate to do things out of fear.
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Ok, so maybe this is what I'm scared of...
Date: 2002-03-10 08:00 pm (UTC)as a friend, you won't see yourself as being worthy of being loved as a lover, a mate or anything. And if you can't,
then why would anyone else? Also, the best way to get love is to love. If you love yourself, love your family (use
any definition of the word that you want), and love your friends, people can't help but love you back."
This is a key point, really. I do find it difficult to love myself, because I find it difficult to accept myself. If I could be completely honest with myself about who I am and what I want, then I would have to confront the issue of accepting myself.
This does frighten me, in no small measure because self-discovery is dangerous. Do I have to accept whatever I see? If I don't like what I want, shouldn't I try to change it, to want something else? If I can't be something good, should I accept being something bad?
When I was in prep school, one of the coolest teachers there was a guy named David Cobb. I never had Mr. Cobb, but I knew him, spoke to him, liked him. He was this colorful character, and everybody knew some crazy Mr. Cobb stories, some of which were even true. He was known and respected as a good teacher, a good friend, and good counsellor to messed-up high schoolers for over 20 years.
And yes, it turns out he was also a child molester. Not of kids at PA--they were too old for his tastes--but of 10-12 year olds up in New Hampshire, over the summers. He was caught about six years ago, and is serving a long prison sentence. (In fact, he was railroaded on part of it, but the end result is that a messed up guy is locked away from kids.)
I wonder about him. Do his virtues make up for his vices? Are the thousands of kids whose lives he brightened what matters, or the dozens of kids whose lives he darkened? This is an important question, because it is clear that for many child sex offenders, it is a matter of a compulsive desire to have sex with children, no matter what. If he couldn't control himself, what should he have done about it about it? If there were dark urges that he couldn't repress (as is apparently the case), should he have turned himself in? killed himself? How far can one go in self-acceptance?
[in the interests of not frightening the horses--I don't have any reason to fear turning into Mr. Cobb. I have never felt such urges, and I don't think I could repress myself that well, so I am using this a general exemplum, not as a veiled attempt to come out of this particular closet.]
[But if I was, wouldn't that change your 'good, kind person who is fun to spend time with' assessment? This is what freaks me out. I want to be a good, kind person, but what the hell do I do if it turns out that I'm not? Shrug it off and decide "hey, maybe Sauron's just misunderstood?"]
Re: Ok, so maybe this is what I'm scared of...
Date: 2002-03-11 11:53 am (UTC)However, I do believe it is possible to love yourself and still be able to see the faults in yourself.
For example: Step outside yourself and view the person you are as you would view a friend.
You can still love that friend of yours while not liking everything they have done or do.
For that matter, Shadow reminds me of this whenever I start to be hypercritical of myself. Would you judge your friend as harshly as you judge yourself?
Re: Ok, so maybe this is what I'm scared of...
Date: 2002-03-11 02:36 pm (UTC)I guess my fear derives from an awareness that self-discovery is spiritual discovery, and that in confronting the abyss one can emerge as the enlightened one, or as the one given over to the darkness. There is genuine risk and one cannot know the outcome until one has actually done it.
Still,the alternative is to live in fear and ignorance. Not what I want.