Whose woods are these?
Jul. 8th, 2002 02:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleThe other day I went to see Lilo and Stitchand enjoyed it tremendously, which was a very pleasant surprise. I was especially struck by one sad scene with Stitch, as it echoed a quote that had been in my mind for a few days:
Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
che la diritta via era smarrita.
"In the middle of the journey of our life/I came to myself within a dark wood/where the straight way was lost." (Opening lines of the Divine Comedyby Dante Alighieri.)
I have been feeling lost in my life for some time now, though I am beginning to reflect and my even find a new way. Including the year I spent as a non-degree student, I have been working on my MA for three years. It normally takes two. For awhile, I was ahead of the game and on top things, but last fall I hit the skids. As I see it, there were two important threads leading to my work troubles. First, I don't really want to do the research I have to do to complete the degree. I don't know why it feels scary and hard, but it does, and that had led me to find all sorts of ways to avoid doing it, and has meant that what I have done hasn't been very good.
Second, what I like about the past years, even more than learning neat new stuff, has been teaching. I have enjoyed very much talking to people, trying to explain things to them, and helping them to understand new things. To put it another way, I like being a know-it-all and the center of attention. I had formed a plan in early 2000, inchoate at the time but slowly coming to be the unspoken point of my time at UMass, to teach the history of science cycle (which I had assisted with in my first year as a TA) over the summer of 2002. Last November I saw the memo about setting up the summer schedule for this year, and I realized that I needed to make my move. I spoke with Larry and Brian, the two professors with whom I had worked, and they both agreed to the idea. I then spoke to the dept. chair, who agreed to schedule the course. I knew that I would have a struggle on my hands there, as he seemed opposed to MA students teaching in Continuing Ed, though I had arugments to counter that.
Sure enough, ten days later the inconstant bastard (this professor has earned a reputation amongst grad students as a man who firmly insists upon his opinion, even when it changes, even when it makes no sense, even when it breaks promises, so he did not surprise me in the least) told me that he had never agreed to anything, and never made any notes to himself (despite writing them in front of me), so I prepared a memo to him outlining my qualifications to teach the class, and my satisfaction of the department's requirements to teach, and the desirability of adding history of science to the summer schedule in light of the department's stated objectives.
I met with Larry, my mentor, and showed it to him before sending it on, and that's when he told me that he hadn't agreed to support me at all, that he'd only agreed that it might be a good idea, and that on reflection he'd decided that it wasn't. I was completely blindsided (though on reflection I suppose that I should have know Larry well enough to know that he'd take his time thinking abou t things) and bitterly disappointed. Without the goal toward which I had been working for some time, my focus vanished, and I was no longer able to work on anything requiring my sustained attention.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, if I want to t each for a living I shall have to put up with greater disappointments and challenges than this, and if I don't finish my research projects and do my comps, all the work that I have already put into my MA will be effectively unrewarded. Yet, I find it har d to care. I don't know what to do with myself if I don't continue with the MA (which I have to finish by next spring), and don't want to go out and find some random job. I have money, but it's not an inexhaustible fund, and I really don't want to fight with my parents over my income and what to do next.
I'm 32 years old. I have already wasted 7 years of my life in pointless drifting, and I don't want to waste any more. I don't want to wait to start living until I'm 40. When I started the grad school trip, back when I was 29, I felt that I had finally found a path in life, and that while I couldn't see the whole way ahead, I had at least found the next step. Now, I'm half way through life's journey and I can't the path anymore. I'm lost..
Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
che la diritta via era smarrita.
"In the middle of the journey of our life/I came to myself within a dark wood/where the straight way was lost." (Opening lines of the Divine Comedyby Dante Alighieri.)
I have been feeling lost in my life for some time now, though I am beginning to reflect and my even find a new way. Including the year I spent as a non-degree student, I have been working on my MA for three years. It normally takes two. For awhile, I was ahead of the game and on top things, but last fall I hit the skids. As I see it, there were two important threads leading to my work troubles. First, I don't really want to do the research I have to do to complete the degree. I don't know why it feels scary and hard, but it does, and that had led me to find all sorts of ways to avoid doing it, and has meant that what I have done hasn't been very good.
Second, what I like about the past years, even more than learning neat new stuff, has been teaching. I have enjoyed very much talking to people, trying to explain things to them, and helping them to understand new things. To put it another way, I like being a know-it-all and the center of attention. I had formed a plan in early 2000, inchoate at the time but slowly coming to be the unspoken point of my time at UMass, to teach the history of science cycle (which I had assisted with in my first year as a TA) over the summer of 2002. Last November I saw the memo about setting up the summer schedule for this year, and I realized that I needed to make my move. I spoke with Larry and Brian, the two professors with whom I had worked, and they both agreed to the idea. I then spoke to the dept. chair, who agreed to schedule the course. I knew that I would have a struggle on my hands there, as he seemed opposed to MA students teaching in Continuing Ed, though I had arugments to counter that.
Sure enough, ten days later the inconstant bastard (this professor has earned a reputation amongst grad students as a man who firmly insists upon his opinion, even when it changes, even when it makes no sense, even when it breaks promises, so he did not surprise me in the least) told me that he had never agreed to anything, and never made any notes to himself (despite writing them in front of me), so I prepared a memo to him outlining my qualifications to teach the class, and my satisfaction of the department's requirements to teach, and the desirability of adding history of science to the summer schedule in light of the department's stated objectives.
I met with Larry, my mentor, and showed it to him before sending it on, and that's when he told me that he hadn't agreed to support me at all, that he'd only agreed that it might be a good idea, and that on reflection he'd decided that it wasn't. I was completely blindsided (though on reflection I suppose that I should have know Larry well enough to know that he'd take his time thinking abou t things) and bitterly disappointed. Without the goal toward which I had been working for some time, my focus vanished, and I was no longer able to work on anything requiring my sustained attention.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, if I want to t each for a living I shall have to put up with greater disappointments and challenges than this, and if I don't finish my research projects and do my comps, all the work that I have already put into my MA will be effectively unrewarded. Yet, I find it har d to care. I don't know what to do with myself if I don't continue with the MA (which I have to finish by next spring), and don't want to go out and find some random job. I have money, but it's not an inexhaustible fund, and I really don't want to fight with my parents over my income and what to do next.
I'm 32 years old. I have already wasted 7 years of my life in pointless drifting, and I don't want to waste any more. I don't want to wait to start living until I'm 40. When I started the grad school trip, back when I was 29, I felt that I had finally found a path in life, and that while I couldn't see the whole way ahead, I had at least found the next step. Now, I'm half way through life's journey and I can't the path anymore. I'm lost..
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Did you...
Date: 2002-07-08 01:04 pm (UTC)S.
Re: Did you...
Date: 2002-07-08 10:50 pm (UTC)See you Wednesday?
no subject
Date: 2002-07-08 02:00 pm (UTC)Sorry its such a light-hearted response to such a soul searching post.
I care, i really do. I just wish I had decent advice for you.
For the record I think you would make an excellent teacher.
Maybe you should push for that MA so you can approach other colleges about that history of science course.
Love you
Re:
Date: 2002-07-08 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-07-09 10:12 am (UTC)When in doubt, blame it on the G.I. Bill.
You may laugh at this, snicker derisively, even. But let's consider it. I think it's fair to say that the G.I. Bill was a major catalyst in raising the academic bar for a whole new class of Americans. It ushered in the G.E.D. and helped spark the current eminence of the SATs, both of which are tools theoretically aimed at making college more accessible for more people. It expanded the notion of financial aid beyond its traditional realm of noblesse oblige of a few elite schools and sent it into the area of basic civil rights. Before that, people who ended up going to college were those who either were very directed and very driven, or else they were people who knew what their way in life was going to be when they got out because it had been pre-determined for them anyway. If you didn't fit into either of these two categories well then, there were plenty of steady, career-long jobs out there as factory workers, manual laborers, clerical workers, bank managers, administrators and customer service employees. These kinds of jobs were often strenuous, but they basically paid the bills if you worked hard. You could read books and enjoy intellectualism without any sense of disconnect between your inner life and your job.
Ever since the G.I. Bill paved the way for countless soldiers to attend college, a college education has grown in importance. It is now the pre-requisite for most jobs that pay a living wage, even though a college education will not necessarily train one for those specific jobs. The bill's legacy is thousands of 18-year-olds going to college because they can't imagine not doing so.
Herein lies the problem: The middle and lower classes don't have an endless pool of money so they can go to college simply to be a well-spoken conversationalist; and unless there is a family-run business involved, these lost souls have no obvious route to fall into after school. And so many of them, too many of them, flock to two and four-year colleges, completely at a loss. And many of them leave in a few years none the clearer, with a degree in some broad topic they felt they could live with as a major, a broad topic that doesn't give them a clear sense of a career path post-graduation.
And so as a stopgap measure, they enter all these jobs that used to be jobs simply for bright people with high school diplomas and now require degrees. And they're good at these jobs. Because after all, they're bright. And these jobs are satisfyingly challenging, yet not overly stressful. They have clear boundaries and don't require one to think about them after the end of the day. They also pay a living wage. They allow a decent standard of living and a full social life outside of work.
And yet, these jobs don't feel like "real" jobs, career jobs. And so they worry. I believe that this raising of the academic bar for all Americans has turned out millions of people in the last three or four generations who are overwhelmed by the idea that they got through four years or more of college and somehow they've failed because they didn't exit with a clear path in mind.
What am I saying? Not entirely sure. Mostly making observations which may not be very helpful. I guess I'm saying, for whatever it's worth - It's not your fault, kids, that you feel this way and it's okay to enjoy your job even if it isn't the fufillment of your emotional and intellectual self. Your job doesn't have to be you. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. You can be happy with a job simply because it pays you well and treats you well emotionally. I've seen this anomie hit so many of my friends and relatives. It's overwhelming to spend all this time and money and still find yourself unsure.
I know I haven't actually addressed GF's current concerns in this long post. I will do that tonight, cause now I have to actually *work*
:)
Interesting
Date: 2002-07-10 08:43 am (UTC)Re: Interesting
Date: 2002-07-10 08:47 am (UTC)Re: Interesting
Date: 2002-07-10 09:01 am (UTC)S.