Whose woods are these?
Jul. 8th, 2002 02:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleThe other day I went to see Lilo and Stitchand enjoyed it tremendously, which was a very pleasant surprise. I was especially struck by one sad scene with Stitch, as it echoed a quote that had been in my mind for a few days:
Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
che la diritta via era smarrita.
"In the middle of the journey of our life/I came to myself within a dark wood/where the straight way was lost." (Opening lines of the Divine Comedyby Dante Alighieri.)
I have been feeling lost in my life for some time now, though I am beginning to reflect and my even find a new way. Including the year I spent as a non-degree student, I have been working on my MA for three years. It normally takes two. For awhile, I was ahead of the game and on top things, but last fall I hit the skids. As I see it, there were two important threads leading to my work troubles. First, I don't really want to do the research I have to do to complete the degree. I don't know why it feels scary and hard, but it does, and that had led me to find all sorts of ways to avoid doing it, and has meant that what I have done hasn't been very good.
Second, what I like about the past years, even more than learning neat new stuff, has been teaching. I have enjoyed very much talking to people, trying to explain things to them, and helping them to understand new things. To put it another way, I like being a know-it-all and the center of attention. I had formed a plan in early 2000, inchoate at the time but slowly coming to be the unspoken point of my time at UMass, to teach the history of science cycle (which I had assisted with in my first year as a TA) over the summer of 2002. Last November I saw the memo about setting up the summer schedule for this year, and I realized that I needed to make my move. I spoke with Larry and Brian, the two professors with whom I had worked, and they both agreed to the idea. I then spoke to the dept. chair, who agreed to schedule the course. I knew that I would have a struggle on my hands there, as he seemed opposed to MA students teaching in Continuing Ed, though I had arugments to counter that.
Sure enough, ten days later the inconstant bastard (this professor has earned a reputation amongst grad students as a man who firmly insists upon his opinion, even when it changes, even when it makes no sense, even when it breaks promises, so he did not surprise me in the least) told me that he had never agreed to anything, and never made any notes to himself (despite writing them in front of me), so I prepared a memo to him outlining my qualifications to teach the class, and my satisfaction of the department's requirements to teach, and the desirability of adding history of science to the summer schedule in light of the department's stated objectives.
I met with Larry, my mentor, and showed it to him before sending it on, and that's when he told me that he hadn't agreed to support me at all, that he'd only agreed that it might be a good idea, and that on reflection he'd decided that it wasn't. I was completely blindsided (though on reflection I suppose that I should have know Larry well enough to know that he'd take his time thinking abou t things) and bitterly disappointed. Without the goal toward which I had been working for some time, my focus vanished, and I was no longer able to work on anything requiring my sustained attention.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, if I want to t each for a living I shall have to put up with greater disappointments and challenges than this, and if I don't finish my research projects and do my comps, all the work that I have already put into my MA will be effectively unrewarded. Yet, I find it har d to care. I don't know what to do with myself if I don't continue with the MA (which I have to finish by next spring), and don't want to go out and find some random job. I have money, but it's not an inexhaustible fund, and I really don't want to fight with my parents over my income and what to do next.
I'm 32 years old. I have already wasted 7 years of my life in pointless drifting, and I don't want to waste any more. I don't want to wait to start living until I'm 40. When I started the grad school trip, back when I was 29, I felt that I had finally found a path in life, and that while I couldn't see the whole way ahead, I had at least found the next step. Now, I'm half way through life's journey and I can't the path anymore. I'm lost..
Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
che la diritta via era smarrita.
"In the middle of the journey of our life/I came to myself within a dark wood/where the straight way was lost." (Opening lines of the Divine Comedyby Dante Alighieri.)
I have been feeling lost in my life for some time now, though I am beginning to reflect and my even find a new way. Including the year I spent as a non-degree student, I have been working on my MA for three years. It normally takes two. For awhile, I was ahead of the game and on top things, but last fall I hit the skids. As I see it, there were two important threads leading to my work troubles. First, I don't really want to do the research I have to do to complete the degree. I don't know why it feels scary and hard, but it does, and that had led me to find all sorts of ways to avoid doing it, and has meant that what I have done hasn't been very good.
Second, what I like about the past years, even more than learning neat new stuff, has been teaching. I have enjoyed very much talking to people, trying to explain things to them, and helping them to understand new things. To put it another way, I like being a know-it-all and the center of attention. I had formed a plan in early 2000, inchoate at the time but slowly coming to be the unspoken point of my time at UMass, to teach the history of science cycle (which I had assisted with in my first year as a TA) over the summer of 2002. Last November I saw the memo about setting up the summer schedule for this year, and I realized that I needed to make my move. I spoke with Larry and Brian, the two professors with whom I had worked, and they both agreed to the idea. I then spoke to the dept. chair, who agreed to schedule the course. I knew that I would have a struggle on my hands there, as he seemed opposed to MA students teaching in Continuing Ed, though I had arugments to counter that.
Sure enough, ten days later the inconstant bastard (this professor has earned a reputation amongst grad students as a man who firmly insists upon his opinion, even when it changes, even when it makes no sense, even when it breaks promises, so he did not surprise me in the least) told me that he had never agreed to anything, and never made any notes to himself (despite writing them in front of me), so I prepared a memo to him outlining my qualifications to teach the class, and my satisfaction of the department's requirements to teach, and the desirability of adding history of science to the summer schedule in light of the department's stated objectives.
I met with Larry, my mentor, and showed it to him before sending it on, and that's when he told me that he hadn't agreed to support me at all, that he'd only agreed that it might be a good idea, and that on reflection he'd decided that it wasn't. I was completely blindsided (though on reflection I suppose that I should have know Larry well enough to know that he'd take his time thinking abou t things) and bitterly disappointed. Without the goal toward which I had been working for some time, my focus vanished, and I was no longer able to work on anything requiring my sustained attention.
Now, I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, if I want to t each for a living I shall have to put up with greater disappointments and challenges than this, and if I don't finish my research projects and do my comps, all the work that I have already put into my MA will be effectively unrewarded. Yet, I find it har d to care. I don't know what to do with myself if I don't continue with the MA (which I have to finish by next spring), and don't want to go out and find some random job. I have money, but it's not an inexhaustible fund, and I really don't want to fight with my parents over my income and what to do next.
I'm 32 years old. I have already wasted 7 years of my life in pointless drifting, and I don't want to waste any more. I don't want to wait to start living until I'm 40. When I started the grad school trip, back when I was 29, I felt that I had finally found a path in life, and that while I couldn't see the whole way ahead, I had at least found the next step. Now, I'm half way through life's journey and I can't the path anymore. I'm lost..
