Outline

[grinninfoole]

What really struck me about seeing Neil Gaiman was a sense of wasted opportunities. (Mine, not his.) He's not more than ten years older than I, and yet I look back on what he was doing when he was my age: he was married, with two kids, and writing Sandman. Even appearing to packed theaters full of fans who wanted to hear him talk for a couple of hours. I was especially struck to hear him mention that, when he was 16, he had made a list of all that he wanted to accomplish in life before he died. He has since done most of the things on that list.

When I was sixteen, I couldn't conceive of being happy as an adult, of doing things that I wanted to do, or of experiencing joy of any sort except fleetingly, after long suffering. (An feeling that I am sure is not unique to myself, based on the number of action films that follow this dynamic.) What do I want from my life? I have thought about this before, but I think I need to do it in a more systematic, sustained way. I have never sat down and made up the list and kept it, much less used as a starting point for a plan on how to accomplish the things on it.

I think that my 'indiscretion' with Sabbath derives from my failure to come to grips with what I want, and to accept that I want it. It is in part a fear of happiness, but it is also a fear of doing wrong. I am reminded every day in little ways of how much easier it is for me to get what I want than it is for many people. Tall white guys with accents like mine command respect, even if we don't deserve it. I don't want to be someone who takes what he wants and ignores the people he had to trample to get it.

So, I need to think about what I want, how to get it on my terms, how to be comfortable in wanting it, and perhaps most immediately what I want in the short term with Sabbath.

But for right now, I want to play Diablo II.

Comments

[macropixi.livejournal.com]

I dunno, you have me and Shadow for friends and we love you... I don't call that wasted.


Hugs Foole