Something I must keep in mind.

[grinninfoole]

I have ADD. The most obvious problem this gives me is that I have trouble getting started working, though sometimes I also have a lot of trouble staying on task, too. However, I have come to realize that my greatest problem, weakness and flaw is not the ADD, but a maladaptive coping mechanism I have developed: lying. If anyone, no matter how innocently or helpfully, asks me about how my work is going, I will lie and evade without a moment's thought or hesitation. I suspect that it derives from the way I dealt with my parents' inquiries into my homework when I was boy. I hate other folks giving me orders, but more than that, I think it was because I couldn't bear their disapproval, and that's what I felt I always got. I must deal with this problem and change my ways, because I will never live a life worth living otherwise. And I must not let myself forget...

Comments

[millari.livejournal.com]

You have said to me on many occasions, and recently again, that it's extremely important to you to feel that you are leading an open and honest (as well as moral) life, so I can understand why you see this tendency as something to work on. I had picked up on the vibe that you hate being told what to do, but I hadn't realized about the fearing disapproval part. It's very interesting to me, because I have been thinking about something similar (c.f. my post this evening), although the roots for both seem different.

I hope you understand that when I am asking you about how your work is going, there is no way I'm going to think less of you, no matter your answer. There just isn't. I'm trying to share a part of you, to connect with you. As a grad student, your academic work is a big part of your inner life and so I'm interested in hearing about it.

There are also times when I think I am indulging my Ms. Fix-it personality, and for that I'm sorry. I don't mean to turn you into a project, but I'm so used to being relied upon by my friends and family for advice all my life, that it's sometimes hard to resist the urge to solve, solve, solve. This was how I tried to feel useful and connected in my marriage, by finding ways to deal with our money problems, by being in charge of the bills, by being the one who navigated and negotiated with the banks, insurance companies, and other wolves beating down our door.

I plan to work harder to break out of this tendency of mine. Good luck making progress on yours.

Re:

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

What post of this evening?

I totally understand about the fixit thing. I do it, too. It's a way of avoiding my problems by working on yours, and keeping a certain emotional distance and a sense of power (I touch you, you don't touch me), both of which can be quite appealing. I think the lying also works that way, since only I know the truth...if I let myself acknowledge it.

what post of this evening?

[millari.livejournal.com]

Oops. Had it marked private. I made a few editorial changes anyway. You should be able to see it now.