Here's half an hour of whatever comes off my fingers

[grinninfoole]

I don't quite know how to begin, or what I want to write about. Today is Millari's birthday. Last year, I went to some trouble to arrange a special surprise for her. This year, I didn't think even to send a birthday card, and I have no idea what to get her as a gift. It didn't even occur to me what day it was until I had been awake for a few hours, when I sent a perfunctory email (I could have written more–one great thing about her is that she has written me many long and lovely notes about how much she appreciated me–but I just couldn't think of what to say, so I stuck to the point.)

What a change a year makes.

This reminds me yet again just how much I twined my life around her and our marriage. I'm a grape vine who's decided to go solo. Which is the right decision, but I'm stuck on what to do now. I don't want to repeat my mistakes and just find another woman to prop me up. (No, really, I do, because I'm somehow sure that the NEXT one will somehow be the RIGHT one. But, really, if the lovers I have already tried didn't do the job, I don't logically see how trying this approach again will work. And I'd rather not become a John Webster protagonist.)

So I'm sort of moping today, wondering what's next. Stuff and nonsense loom to fill the time, with D&D to run at the store, and friends from Ohio coming to stay the night, and some fun D&D here at home tomorrow. I have done some chores. But, I'm still finding ways to delay the Big Soul Search. It feels like my usual tactic of running out the clock, so that I have to do whatever it is at the last minute, and then, if it's not so great it's because I had so little time.

(Note to self: consider jobs where one always has that excuse, perhaps a troubleshooter situation.)

I'm not sure what clock I'm running out on this, though I fear it's my life, and since I'm already into my middle years, and I'm prone to lamenting wasted time, I don't think I like this self-sabotage much.

I was going to write about going to see Scott Pilgrim last night with J, R, and V (such a fun movie!), but I'll get to it later. I set myself to write for half an hour and then move on, and I have done that. Go me!

Comments

[sundart.livejournal.com]

Whenever you have the time, I'd really love to talk with you about life and co-incidentally entertain you with a little baby.... sorry I haven't called, but texting and computers are my main forms of communication right now since they're easier to interrupt and pick up again later. *hugs*

[millari.livejournal.com]

This is a very reflective, I'm sure not-easy-to-write post, and go you for doing it. Of course, it was a bit difficult to read, but I praise you for being so honest with yourself and in a public forum where other people could see.

I had that feeling from your birthday message - that you didn't know what to say. It did feel kind of stilted in that way, and I understood why. You're trying to figure out what relationship to have with me because I'm going to come back, and the format of our relationship is going to look very much the same, but it's all up for grabs what the emotional aspect is going to be like.

No matter what, I will always feel you are a great person who shared really crucial and invaluable life experiences and growth with me. We have a big swath of life that we experienced together and those experiences, and the relationship that comes with it, doesn't go away. I will always be your close friend, as long as you'll have me.

I know you are feeling like you are slipping into old ways, as you told me in chat last time, but I feel like that's a temporary state of mind, one you have made too much growth to truly go back to. You are much more reflective nowadays, and more able to see through the scripts life gave you about potential and obligation and your ability to succeed than you were almost 20 years ago when I first met you. You can make these changes that you want to make.

I think a GF who is quietly confident in himself, without jokey overcompensation, without intertwining himself around another person to achieve self-validation, will be a thing of beauty to behold.