![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleI don't quite know how to begin, or what I want to write about. Today is Millari's birthday. Last year, I went to some trouble to arrange a special surprise for her. This year, I didn't think even to send a birthday card, and I have no idea what to get her as a gift. It didn't even occur to me what day it was until I had been awake for a few hours, when I sent a perfunctory email (I could have written more–one great thing about her is that she has written me many long and lovely notes about how much she appreciated me–but I just couldn't think of what to say, so I stuck to the point.)
What a change a year makes.
This reminds me yet again just how much I twined my life around her and our marriage. I'm a grape vine who's decided to go solo. Which is the right decision, but I'm stuck on what to do now. I don't want to repeat my mistakes and just find another woman to prop me up. (No, really, I do, because I'm somehow sure that the NEXT one will somehow be the RIGHT one. But, really, if the lovers I have already tried didn't do the job, I don't logically see how trying this approach again will work. And I'd rather not become a John Webster protagonist.)
So I'm sort of moping today, wondering what's next. Stuff and nonsense loom to fill the time, with D&D to run at the store, and friends from Ohio coming to stay the night, and some fun D&D here at home tomorrow. I have done some chores. But, I'm still finding ways to delay the Big Soul Search. It feels like my usual tactic of running out the clock, so that I have to do whatever it is at the last minute, and then, if it's not so great it's because I had so little time.
(Note to self: consider jobs where one always has that excuse, perhaps a troubleshooter situation.)
I'm not sure what clock I'm running out on this, though I fear it's my life, and since I'm already into my middle years, and I'm prone to lamenting wasted time, I don't think I like this self-sabotage much.
I was going to write about going to see Scott Pilgrim last night with J, R, and V (such a fun movie!), but I'll get to it later. I set myself to write for half an hour and then move on, and I have done that. Go me!
What a change a year makes.
This reminds me yet again just how much I twined my life around her and our marriage. I'm a grape vine who's decided to go solo. Which is the right decision, but I'm stuck on what to do now. I don't want to repeat my mistakes and just find another woman to prop me up. (No, really, I do, because I'm somehow sure that the NEXT one will somehow be the RIGHT one. But, really, if the lovers I have already tried didn't do the job, I don't logically see how trying this approach again will work. And I'd rather not become a John Webster protagonist.)
So I'm sort of moping today, wondering what's next. Stuff and nonsense loom to fill the time, with D&D to run at the store, and friends from Ohio coming to stay the night, and some fun D&D here at home tomorrow. I have done some chores. But, I'm still finding ways to delay the Big Soul Search. It feels like my usual tactic of running out the clock, so that I have to do whatever it is at the last minute, and then, if it's not so great it's because I had so little time.
(Note to self: consider jobs where one always has that excuse, perhaps a troubleshooter situation.)
I'm not sure what clock I'm running out on this, though I fear it's my life, and since I'm already into my middle years, and I'm prone to lamenting wasted time, I don't think I like this self-sabotage much.
I was going to write about going to see Scott Pilgrim last night with J, R, and V (such a fun movie!), but I'll get to it later. I set myself to write for half an hour and then move on, and I have done that. Go me!
