Getting around to it (part one?)
Nov. 17th, 2008 06:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleI have allowed myself to avoid LJ, despite having several things about which I wish to post, because one of them embarrasses me. But no matter!
1) YES WE DID.
I'm very pleased that we have elected Barack Obama as the next president. I hope that he becomes the extraordinary president that we need right now. Even if he doesn't, I am glad that I spent a little time phone calling and that I actually drove up to NH to get out the vote on election day. And the election night party at Chez Amoeba was hilarious. I hope that we leave behind the vicious tactics and stupid strategies of the Bush administration for the rest of my life.
2) In retrospect, I screwed this up quite spectacularly:
For about a year, I was in a Wednesday evening writing workshop, hosted by a prince among men named Robin. For the past couple of months, I have not been very productive in the group, largely because my muse has been leaning towards writing fan fiction, and I just feel embarrassed about that. Also, M and I have been doing a terrible job at managing our finances by sticking to a budget and making informed decisions about spending. So, I contemplated switching to a new Monday morning group which cost slightly more, and I let my tangled and unhappy feelings about me and my life spill out in talking to Robin about that group. I did not know just how much crap he takes from other writing group leaders in the area because he generally charges lower rates than most. I also completely lost sight of how much I valued his warmth, his insight and support, and the community of writers who gathered in his (and his wife's) living room every week. As I think about it, it's really a relaxed modern example of salon culture, and I had lucked into a great one last year.
Until I was really rude to him, that is, and completely disregarded everything that was excellent about him and his group for my own self-hating bullshit. So he told me politely but firmly not to come back.
I am really ashamed of myself for being so mean to him, and for being so unself-aware that I could see past my own emotional knot to speak to him with the courtesy and consideration that he deserved. I have spent years working to be more attentive to myself, and more clued in to other people, but clearly I still have work to do. In no small measure, this happened because I still haven't broken my habits of self-deprecation and self-dislike. I don't see myself very well, still, so I'm posting this in part so I can own what I have done, and what I haven't, and make a fresh start towards being a better me.
I hope that anyone who reads this (and who knows me) will take this to heart: I find that I don't appreciate others as much as they deserve, and that I still miss all sorts of social signs more than I would like. Please, please, if there's something lying festering between us, talk to me about it. If you have been waiting until you could find the words or time, stop and do it now. (Just mention this post if you need an icebreaker.) I am still figuring out a balance between self-assertion and self-control. Please speak to me honestly when I hurt your feelings. It will make you happier, and help me to be the man I want to be.
Oh, and he doesn't read LJ, but still: Robin, I'm sorry.
3) Speaking of people I'm no longer on speaking terms with: filthyassistant is apparently in the hospital for life or death surgery. I hope that she makes a full and speedy recovery. People in the valley who would like to get back in touch should contact![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
verdelite for more info.
1) YES WE DID.
I'm very pleased that we have elected Barack Obama as the next president. I hope that he becomes the extraordinary president that we need right now. Even if he doesn't, I am glad that I spent a little time phone calling and that I actually drove up to NH to get out the vote on election day. And the election night party at Chez Amoeba was hilarious. I hope that we leave behind the vicious tactics and stupid strategies of the Bush administration for the rest of my life.
2) In retrospect, I screwed this up quite spectacularly:
For about a year, I was in a Wednesday evening writing workshop, hosted by a prince among men named Robin. For the past couple of months, I have not been very productive in the group, largely because my muse has been leaning towards writing fan fiction, and I just feel embarrassed about that. Also, M and I have been doing a terrible job at managing our finances by sticking to a budget and making informed decisions about spending. So, I contemplated switching to a new Monday morning group which cost slightly more, and I let my tangled and unhappy feelings about me and my life spill out in talking to Robin about that group. I did not know just how much crap he takes from other writing group leaders in the area because he generally charges lower rates than most. I also completely lost sight of how much I valued his warmth, his insight and support, and the community of writers who gathered in his (and his wife's) living room every week. As I think about it, it's really a relaxed modern example of salon culture, and I had lucked into a great one last year.
Until I was really rude to him, that is, and completely disregarded everything that was excellent about him and his group for my own self-hating bullshit. So he told me politely but firmly not to come back.
I am really ashamed of myself for being so mean to him, and for being so unself-aware that I could see past my own emotional knot to speak to him with the courtesy and consideration that he deserved. I have spent years working to be more attentive to myself, and more clued in to other people, but clearly I still have work to do. In no small measure, this happened because I still haven't broken my habits of self-deprecation and self-dislike. I don't see myself very well, still, so I'm posting this in part so I can own what I have done, and what I haven't, and make a fresh start towards being a better me.
I hope that anyone who reads this (and who knows me) will take this to heart: I find that I don't appreciate others as much as they deserve, and that I still miss all sorts of social signs more than I would like. Please, please, if there's something lying festering between us, talk to me about it. If you have been waiting until you could find the words or time, stop and do it now. (Just mention this post if you need an icebreaker.) I am still figuring out a balance between self-assertion and self-control. Please speak to me honestly when I hurt your feelings. It will make you happier, and help me to be the man I want to be.
Oh, and he doesn't read LJ, but still: Robin, I'm sorry.
3) Speaking of people I'm no longer on speaking terms with: filthyassistant is apparently in the hospital for life or death surgery. I hope that she makes a full and speedy recovery. People in the valley who would like to get back in touch should contact
verdelite for more info.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-11-18 03:02 am (UTC)I've done stuff like that in the past, and it's always hard to realize you've lost someone's regard because of something you did in the throes of your own nonsense. But we all still love you, so you must be doing something right! ;)
Hugs.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-18 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-11-19 02:05 am (UTC)You are kind hearted person and I am proud to have you as a brother.