Oh, the past, it pulls at me.

[grinninfoole]

I haven't made time to post about things in my life for about two months, so here goes:

WORK:
Summer was convention season, and I was busy.  We went did the Sidewalk Sale and Connecticon again, and did very well, despite getting rained off the Sidewalk on two days, and me stupidly damaging the rental truck in Connecticut.  I have been working at the store, part and now full time, for over five and a half years.  The sixth anniversary party is coming up on September 12.  I am serving as a de facto assistant manager, and at some point I'll ask for the title to go with the job.

I have also been sending out my resume, looking for part time teaching or tutoring jobs at local colleges.  So far, I have had a couple of nibbles, but no actual jobs.  I must continue to pursue this, as efforts today could lead to something next semester, and the extra income would be cool.

Personal:
I have joined a 4th ed D&D game run by anzovin , with sundart , lostcircuit , and morlock .  So far, it's a fun group and an intriguing story.

The first day of the Sidewalk Sale, I had breakfast with an old friend from college who I hadn't seen in years (whom I shall call Grounded).  She's super cool, and I'm so glad that she called out of the blue as she and her wife were driving by on their way to Ohio.  (Her wife, Unflappable, is also nifty, and a priest.)  I used to have a huge crush on Grounded, completely irrespective of her lesbianism, and she's still charming and stylish. 

On July 31, M and I took our pal MAMEd with us to see Elvis Costello and the Police play at the Tweeter Center in Mansfield.  Sting joined Elvis for "Allison".  Two great performances.  They can all still play.  It was actually a bit disconcerting at times, as the Police were mixing things up, trying different openings for their songs, which was musically super cool, but tough for an untrained ear like mine.

For the past year, I have been going to a writing workshop most wednesday nights, and it's helped me to write more, though most of what I have produced has been fan fic.  [shame]  However, M and I went on a retreat together in June, and I started working on an original thing (novel?).  I am reading some of it this coming Sunday at Smith.  I'm somewhat nervous.  I must read what I have aloud and see if it's 25 minutes yet.

Tonight, I also did something foolish.  A custie came in and asked about a book, which got me thinking about a woman I'd dated almost 20 years ago.  So I googled her.  After a few minutes of nothing (I think–some of the hits were in Dutch), without stopping to consider what I was doing, I googled Thlayli (my big, painful affair from 15 years ago.)  Up popped a picture of her.  I wasn't prepared to see her smiling again.  She's doing well–children and med school, oh my!–and I'm really happy to see her, looking so pleased.

I also want to curl up and cry for a bit. 

It's all long over.  I married the right woman.  My life is so incredibly better than it was then.  I no longer listen to Cold, Cold Ground over and over and dream about being dead.  And yet...

Well, there's a reason why the word 'fool' is up at the top of this page.

Comments

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

I keep running into the Toad ExBoyfriend, at least once a year, because we have so many friends in common. I even ate dinner at the same table as him this summer. It's so hard! Every time I see him I get that "curl up and cry" feeling for a while. Even though I'm married to the right man and my life is so much better than it would have been with Toad.

But it does get better. Maybe it's the repeated exposure that does it, like looking at pictures of spiders if you're arachnophobic.

In the meantime, though, it's hard. My sympathies!

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Well, Thlayli isn't a toad, at all, but I appreciate you sharing this. It's good to know that I'm not the only one to feel this way.

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

Didn't mean to insult Thlayli -- my daughter named my ex-boyfriend "the Toad" because he's a prince until you kiss him. (He's truly a great guy, but has some serious relationship issues.)

But it's such a strange feeling, to know that you are with someone who's much better for you, and that this other person would have been such a mistake, and still to feel heartbroken nonetheless. I used to feel guilty about it. Now I let myself accept my need to occasionally mourn for the death of the old relationship. It does get better, over time.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't sweat it, I knew what you meant. Rather, I meant Thlayli wouldn't have been a mistake for me--I would have been for her, and I spent years mourning that it didn't work out. I was just surprised that there was still some sap in those dried up old feelings.