Gnawing jealousy post

[grinninfoole]

Fuschia & Soulstorage came over yesterday and we watched a documentary about the band My Chemical Romance.  They seem like a pretty good group, actually, but I'm writing about it mainly because I'm jealous as hell.

I am, here and now, at nearly 38, finally ready to admit to myself and to the world the following: I want to dress up and act out in front of a screaming audience.  I want to be a performer of some sort.  I want thousands of people to know and care who I am and what I do.  I want people to interview about my early years, and how I made it.  Heck, I'd even like to be thoughtfully interviewed by Tasha Robinson, though a segment on Letterman would be nice, too.

As it is, hardly anybody knows who I am.  Googling my name gets a musician in London, politicians in Missouri, and scientists and businessmen, and god knows who else.  I don't think any of the hits are me.  So, I am, I admit, very jealous of Gerard Way and those other guys from Jersey.

It's my own fault.  When I was younger, I was too chicken to put on makeup and make an ass of myself.  I did, as I recall, try out for plays in high school (and even a couple in college), and got cast once, for a bit part.  Altogether it was only about 20 times or so, though, so while I got the message that wasn't coming across well on stage, I didn't actually buckle down and keep at it, but rather took that scattering of rejection to heart and gave up.

Now I'm feeling the special bitterness of a has-been never-was.  I don't like it.  I think part of the appeal of a teaching job for me is a chance to stand in front of an audience, do something I'm good at, and (as the MCR folks would say from time to time) make a difference.

Of course, I have stated this goal before, and so far have not actually put in a single job application.  It seems my fear of rejection is still pretty strong.

Comments

[autumnlaughing.livejournal.com]

I find auditions way easier than job interviews.

That aside, I suggest that you keep an eye out for auditions - there's a section in the Advocate for them, if I remember correctly. Sometimes there are posters around. And I'll bet that there are email lists - though you might only get onto those once you've been in a show!

I did a community thearter musical about 5 years back, and it was GREAT fun.

Just remember - the most important thing at an audition is to act like you're having fun.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

You know, that's a good idea. I'll keep an eye out in the warmer weather.

[fuschia.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, now I'm sad and guilty...Gerard Way really wants to save lives, not make us unhappy!

That said, I do understand how you feel. I sometimes get very inspired by him/them, and then stop and wonder if I'm 20 years too old for their message. (Their answer to that, btw, is no: they love their adult fans, too!)

I think about Gerard working at the Cartoon Network, and how, for an artist, that could be a cool job you could do for years...but he walked away from it because he wasn't fulfilled. The lameness of me is that, really, MCR will be the primary impetus for me quitting my job.

You have a bajillion talents and can do plenty...don't take yourself out of the running by not applying for anything, ok?

(And, besides, I hear you got interviewed for the Gazette today...*g*)

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

I did, it's true. :)

This is has been bugging me for a while, and it's not not not your fault. Or Gerard's. I can wallow in feeling cruddy about it, or I can climb out of my groove that's becoming a rut, and do something about it.

Working on the climbing thing right now.