Sydneycat situation, and appeal for insight.

[grinninfoole]

Today my friend Sydneycat, distraught over the state of her relationship with Morlock (read their livejournals now!) and struggling to come to grips with her recently-admitted anxiety disorder, announced that she would kill herself if they broke up. She then went on to divvy up her possessions amongst various friends and family. (I get a TV, VCR and DVD player!)

Alerted to this development by Filthy Assistant (don't bother looking, FA's livejournal is by invitation only), I scrapped my plans for the afternoon and drove over to SC's office and waited for her to get off work, which she did at 3:30. We then went over to UMass, where I collected student papers and showed a rather bizarre video biography of Ataturk. (Professor Wilson had to go to New York.) It was, without question, one of the strangest things I have ever seen. It revealed some interesting stuff I didn't know, but it was full of non-sequiturs, lacking in background, and featured Nigel Hawthorne strolling through a garden pretending to be a reminiscing British ambassador. Why was not clear.

Then, SC and I came back to my place where I made dinner and we played paper crack for awhile. Then I drove her home, and I waited with her for Morlock to arrive, which he did shortly thereafter. (He seemed really out of it--he has just today started anti-psychotic meds, and they seem to be very tiring for him.) SC then announced that she was going to play video games, and so Morlock and I played a couple of games of Magic. Then, they went to bed and I left. God only knows how it's going over there, but they seemed too tired to do anything but snooze.

Am honestly perplexed. SC writes as though she has lost her shit entirely, and I have certainly seen her break down in hysterical sobbing and have sudden panic attacks. Yet, while she was clearly sad when I first saw her, she wasn't inconsolable, and I thought we actually had a very nice evening. I realize that my turkey meatballs, pasta with sauce, and steamed broccoli are hardly sufficient to justify one's life in the face of long-term existential anomie [which reminds me: drop me a line if you haven't seen the 'press release' about deployment of the Jean-Paul Sartre brigade to Afghanistan], yet I didn't see the sort of pervasive depression, misery, and pain that I normally associate with suicidal urges. Either SC is repressing and hiding a lot more than she lets on, or I have serious lacuna in my human behavioral modelling subroutines.

Any helpful data or insight will be welcome.

(As for me, I came home and called an old friend who is out in Texas. I tried to explain what I have been up to for the past three months. He hadn't heard about all the shit with Sabbath. He was very understanding, and didn't even hint that he wanted to say "what the fuck is wrong with you??" and dope-slap me over the phone, which is what I had been dreading. Should call him more often.)

Comments

Dames. Go figure.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

BTW, am thinking of going shopping soon for new video equipment/TV cabinet and DVD holder. SC and FA seem annoyed, feel that this is 'selfish'. Did not buy my 'covering all bases' logic. Apparently just no pleasing some people.

[macropixi.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't know.

I can't tell if she meant it, or if it was a momentary thing, or even if it was a plea for help and attention.

All I know is this, She threatens again, no coddling her, report it to the police and see if maybe we can convince them that she is a danger to herself.

No offense SC sweetie, but I love you too much to let you hurt yourself like that.

Shadow stepped in when I was just cutting.

Its a selfish act and no one will be happy to see her go. Just think of the emotional damage that it would inflict on everyone that loves her.

Nothing is so bad that it is worth dieing over.

Partial Answers

[sydneycat.livejournal.com]

First off I have become very good at convincing others that I am fine when internally I am in turmoil. And in the end I can be pretty much functional as long as I am hanging out with friends and having fun. It is really only when I am alone with my thoughts (such as at home or here when I have no work)that I truly start to think about the bad things in my life and in my soul. In the end I don't think that I (until this past year) have had many moments of true, unadulterated happiness. I have always been depressed. I have always been afraid of being alone. I have always hated being alive (or rather living my life).
It has only been since I met the boy that I have had a few moments of sheer joy and happiness. He is the first person to ever show me TRUE love. Not the cheap impersonation of love that was the only thing that Dotty was capable of and we all know that Japan and I never had any true feelings for one another. I love Japan. He is very important to me, but more as a strange kind of spiritual guide than as a lover or companion.
In the end, I do hate my life most days or at least I used to. Like I said I have been doing much better since the boy came into my life but now (at least for the moment) he has been taken away from me. The boy that I love isn't there anymore and I am not sure if he'll ever come back. The happy, bouncy, loving, and sexual parts of him has all been stripped away.
I know that it is selfish and that I should realize that there are people "starving in Africa" and such that would kill for my life but I cannot life their life, I can only live mine and for the most part I think that most days mine sucks pretty badly without the happiness brought into it by my friends and the boy.
Part of the problem is that I don't do being alone. I need to have someone in my life. The other part is that though I am an apathetic goth pagan and don't really strongly believe in much I do believe in Fate. And I believe that Fate gave me this chance to make things work out with this particular person and that if I can't do that then I have failed and there is no better or even equivalent person out there for me. I really do believe this. I really do believe that Janra is THE ONE. I know it is fatalistic and downright stupid but it's what I think. And in light of recent events I am really starting to panic. I can't live with him the way he is on the meds right now. I can't. They say that the effects should wear off and that he might have to be put on something else and I keep telling myself that everything will work out and that it will be ok and I will get my Janra back but I am not sure that there is any chance of that. And what if I don't love the new Janra???? What will I do then???
Ok I need to stop talking about this right now because it is making me cry. More later on my page if I have the energy.

Re: Partial Answers

[sydneycat.livejournal.com]

Also, and in my case more important, what if in the end the new Janra doesn't or is incapable of loving me.

Re: Partial Answers

[sydneycat.livejournal.com]

I think that if we can just make it through the next few months that things will be better. I am just hard-pressed to be optimistic right now. I love him and want to be with him. Period. That is what I want. I am not worried about gradual change I am worried about the fact that on the full dose of his pills he is a complete zombie. He is not my boyfriend he is an empty shell. I can't deal with that. If he were to change by say getting more self confident or deciding that he wants to become a cop or an astronaut or a porn star I could learn to adjust (yes even if he wanted to be a porn star) because he'd still be a person and he'd still have emotions. In answer to your question about the car accident...I'd have no problem staying with him under those circumstances and I am reasonably certain he'd say the same. It is not about changing I guess but about the loss of a personality that could change that worries me currently.