Dealing with my problems
Mar. 7th, 2002 09:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleFA is over, we're making tuna casserole, and the cats are licking the dishes very thoroughly. Life is pretty good. :) So, I'm taking a few minutes to post something I have meant to put up for a week or so.
Those of you who know me well, or even not so well, are probably well aware of my penchant for doing all the talking, doing or saying silly things, and generally working to be the center of attention--especially when I am nervous and/or meeting new people. Some of you may even have cared to wonder why.
I have thought about this with some care for years now. My current idea is that it stems from coping with my ADD. One of the ways in which ADD can be socially disabling is that one can miss important cues and signals (sometimes subtle, sometimes very obvious) that tell most people what others think, feel, or want. ['no, I don't want to talk to you', 'you are way too close', 'I don't actually care, I just want to mock you'.]
This can lead to the common effect for ADD boys to have few or no friends as children, display aggressive and maladaptive behaviors (often classified as ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and get very paranoid about talking to people. For me, I think it has led me to fear what others think about me, as years of experience made it clear that I could alienate people without noticing that I was doing so. Certainly, my attention getting behavior seems to be an attempt to compensate by making people see what I want them to see when I want them to see it. This also sometimes leads me to be deliberately 'inappropriate', because then at least I know what I did to piss them off.
While this need to be the center of attention has its benefits, it is ultimately not an effective means of coping with my problem. If nothing else, I can't be 'on' all the time. And this problem does persist. Last December, a friend of mine in the department told me that she didn't want to have anything more to do with me, because my behavior over last semester had made her uncomfortable. I genuinely didn't (don't) know what she was talking about, but clearly this problem isn't going away.
So, starting in a couple of weeks, I'll be joining a therapy group for people with 'relationship issues' (not that I know what the hell THEIR problems are), in the hope that dealing with several other people in a therapy setting, in hopes of getting their feedback on how I come across to them, will help me develop better awareness and coping methods. If it goes well, I'll probably post about it.
Those of you who know me well, or even not so well, are probably well aware of my penchant for doing all the talking, doing or saying silly things, and generally working to be the center of attention--especially when I am nervous and/or meeting new people. Some of you may even have cared to wonder why.
I have thought about this with some care for years now. My current idea is that it stems from coping with my ADD. One of the ways in which ADD can be socially disabling is that one can miss important cues and signals (sometimes subtle, sometimes very obvious) that tell most people what others think, feel, or want. ['no, I don't want to talk to you', 'you are way too close', 'I don't actually care, I just want to mock you'.]
This can lead to the common effect for ADD boys to have few or no friends as children, display aggressive and maladaptive behaviors (often classified as ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder), and get very paranoid about talking to people. For me, I think it has led me to fear what others think about me, as years of experience made it clear that I could alienate people without noticing that I was doing so. Certainly, my attention getting behavior seems to be an attempt to compensate by making people see what I want them to see when I want them to see it. This also sometimes leads me to be deliberately 'inappropriate', because then at least I know what I did to piss them off.
While this need to be the center of attention has its benefits, it is ultimately not an effective means of coping with my problem. If nothing else, I can't be 'on' all the time. And this problem does persist. Last December, a friend of mine in the department told me that she didn't want to have anything more to do with me, because my behavior over last semester had made her uncomfortable. I genuinely didn't (don't) know what she was talking about, but clearly this problem isn't going away.
So, starting in a couple of weeks, I'll be joining a therapy group for people with 'relationship issues' (not that I know what the hell THEIR problems are), in the hope that dealing with several other people in a therapy setting, in hopes of getting their feedback on how I come across to them, will help me develop better awareness and coping methods. If it goes well, I'll probably post about it.
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Stupid LJ screw ups!
Date: 2002-03-11 06:18 pm (UTC)As for Abby, she said that she was uncomfortable because she felt that I had been making romantic advances, or directing unwanted romantic interest, to her all semester. There is a lot of uncertainty in this world, but after considering this matter carefully, I can say with complete confidence that this is not so. I behaved last semester as I had the previous school year. True, I did suggest dating over the summer, but she said no in very definite terms, and I accepted with, I thought equal definiteness. We then carried on a close and friendly email correspondence over the summer. I had no real indications that there was anything amiss until she came into my office and told me she had been avoiding me. (There may have been subtle signs, but I missed them, believing her when she said she was 'busy'.)
I don't know what led her to think I was making passes at her. I don't challenge the validity of her feelings, merely the motives for whatever actions prompted them. More than this I can't say, since she won't discuss the matter. Oh, well, at least this screwed up friendship isn't my fault....