Meditation and apology.

[grinninfoole]

I have a problem with punctuality. It stems from my early childhood, and a resistance to adult tyranny, as it happens, but that's not what this post is about. It makes trouble for me at work, in school, and in my friendships. In particular, it's been a recurring problem between me and filthyassistant.

She's complained about it for years, and told me that it told her that I didn't really respect her, that I didn't really care. I didn't see it that way, but after a lot of recent reflection, I have to admit that she's right. It IS about saying 'fuck you' to people I perceive as a ttempting to control me, and it's a very passive-aggressive way of dealing with things, and now that I see that, I don't like it.

Because of that, a couple of weeks ago, I was late meeting her because I went to dinner with some other folks, and I didn't even call to fill her in, because I couldn't deal withe the double-think involved in being proactive and upfront about my passive-aggressiveness. That was wrong of me, and here and now I apologize for my rudeness, as per her request.

FA and I used to live together, and one of the reasons I asked her to move in with me is that I wanted to work on some of interpersonal issues, the problems I have being a social person, without having to actually acknowledge those problems or admit what they are. That's really unfair.

I think an important source of my bad behavior is that, as a young person, I was often conscious of grown-ups expressing disappointment with me for not meeting their expectations in some way. I didn't deal with this in a healthy way, by developing a more positive self-image and strong boundaries which would have allowed me to distinguish how other people saw me from how I saw myself. Instead, I left unchallenged the validity of other people's feelings, and instead cultivated a deliberate obliviousness to them. After a third of a century, I find that to have been a very unhelpful choice. I am attempting to make it anew. I'd like to thank all of my friends for their patience with me over the years, and for their help in turning over new leaves. (In particular, I'd like to thank Lefty for not firing my ass, FA for giving me another chance, and M, as always.)

Comments

Whatever:

[filthyassistant.livejournal.com]

Actually what I *wanted* was an apology for the lying you've been doing (and did on the night in question) and for telling me that my opinion on the subject of you blowing me off repeatedly for years was invalid. Also, you have been very mean to me when I have expressed the opinion that you have treated me unfairly. I didn't want the apology for the unfairness alone. I wanted it for the callousness. I wanted it for me. Not for everyone else you've hurt since I've been the only one to fight for this. For me. Selfish? Yes. But I thought I'd earned that. And since you have yet to ask my forgiveness, you have yet to recieve it.

[filthyassistant.livejournal.com]

and I didn't even call to fill her in, because I couldn't deal withe the double-think involved in being proactive and upfront about my passive-aggressiveness.

Hey, wait... you told me that you couldn't call because you had "no signal" in the restaurant. You mean this was a lie, too?

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

No. I didn't have signal. But I could have gone somewhere where there was signal, and tried from there. It didn't have to be an insurmountable problem. I just let it become one.

Re: Whatever:

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

OK. I apologize for blowing you off repeatedly, and for being mean to you.

Re: Whatever:

[filthyassistant.livejournal.com]

wow. sincere and personal. thanks. and for lying to me? about having already made dinner plans with my best friend who knew nothing about them? and all the other things? And is this just for being mean to me this time around or for more than one occasion? is this for that night? or for the misery you caused me for two weeks? curious.

[filthyassistant.livejournal.com]

actually, since the story was different the three times you told it i just assumed you hadn't decided what the truth was. and since you thought you'd called me, i just assumed it hadn't been important enough to commit to memory. but if you're sticking with the new story, that's fine, too. we all know how reliable your memory is.

[filthyassistant.livejournal.com]

oh, and i'm really glad you've committed to delving into your past and figuring out where your dysfunctional behavior came from. that's probably a good first step. but how about you commit to being more considerate of OTHERS, too? like calling when you're late? not lying (or at least doing so convincingly enough that they don't feel unimportant enough for even a good lie), or maybe listening to other's opinions and not telling them they're wrong. or at least not all the time? don't commit anything to anyone but yourself. some people no longer believe you when you say something...