![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I dare not stop hitting myself.
Dec. 23rd, 2014 06:18 amI was driving home from Andover today, en route to an appointment with an eye doctor (I need progressive lenses), and ruminating as I do, when it struck me that I'm a hypocrite. It's one of my bedrock principles that everyone matters, and yet so much of my life is shaped by a sense that I don't. Part of that is depression, of course, but I think my efforts to mind my privilege also contribute. I was having supper with Morlock, and talking about this, and I put it something like this:
1) The world lies to people all the time. Mostly, it's telling them they're worthless, and this message is especially loud for women, LGBTQ, POC, the mentally ill, and the poor. It's a constant barrage of advertising, movies, kids at school, pundits, cops, etc. ad nauseam.
2) The world lies to me, too. They're just different lies: that I'm important, that I'm powerful, that the world feels my pain, that I'm justified in acting out when angry or sad or amorous or whatever, and that I'm an authoritative and respectable person to be given all due deference. I spend time and energy undercutting these messages in my head. I know from painful experience how ugly I can be when I don't.
3) When surrounded by flattery, it's difficult to truly grasp one's strengths. Am I actually learned, or insightful, or eloquent, or compassionate, or generous? I hope to be. I strive to be. I might be. I dare not be too confident, though, lest in resting on my laurels I let my virtues ooze away.
I think I already posted about this before, but I think maybe a new course of action will be to seek out some new community for support. I have two ideas: one, find/form a support group for privilege awareness; two, start going to Quaker meetings. The sect has the most impressive human rights track record of any group in history, and they're just the sort of church an atheist like me could feel comfortable in.
1) The world lies to people all the time. Mostly, it's telling them they're worthless, and this message is especially loud for women, LGBTQ, POC, the mentally ill, and the poor. It's a constant barrage of advertising, movies, kids at school, pundits, cops, etc. ad nauseam.
2) The world lies to me, too. They're just different lies: that I'm important, that I'm powerful, that the world feels my pain, that I'm justified in acting out when angry or sad or amorous or whatever, and that I'm an authoritative and respectable person to be given all due deference. I spend time and energy undercutting these messages in my head. I know from painful experience how ugly I can be when I don't.
3) When surrounded by flattery, it's difficult to truly grasp one's strengths. Am I actually learned, or insightful, or eloquent, or compassionate, or generous? I hope to be. I strive to be. I might be. I dare not be too confident, though, lest in resting on my laurels I let my virtues ooze away.
I think I already posted about this before, but I think maybe a new course of action will be to seek out some new community for support. I have two ideas: one, find/form a support group for privilege awareness; two, start going to Quaker meetings. The sect has the most impressive human rights track record of any group in history, and they're just the sort of church an atheist like me could feel comfortable in.
