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Hollis Fucking Mason
Jun. 12th, 2012 03:33 pmI haven't posted much in more than a month. I have many things I could talk about, but of course the one that most holds my interest Grounded. Here's the nutshell version:
three weeks ago, we got together, saw a movie and talked. I told her how serious I was about her, how much she meant to me. She admitted that she'd broken up with the other guy she'd been dating, but that she didn't feel that she had time for a serious relationship in her life, what with taking care of an ailing parent, raising a son as a single mom, and being a doctor. I asked her if it was that she didn't want a serious relationship with me, in particular, or just in general. Just in general she said. This wasn't really the response I wanted to a declaration of deep and abiding love, but I accepted it. I figured that, over time, as we got to know each other again, perhaps things might change.
Today, I met her for lunch at Cafe Esselon. We had a lovely time, lively conversation, and then went for a walk along the rail trail all the way to Northampton and back. (Never crossed the Connecticut on foot before. It was great.) As we were walking back, she told me that she'd gotten back together with the other guy. Apparently, he'd been waffling about their relationship, and she didn't want to be with someone who 'wasn't really excited to be with me.'
Naturally, I was not pleased to hear this. (In fact, I experienced a sort of burning sensation centered around my heart, which descended down into my torso. My heart sinking?) I pointed out to her that that's precisely what I had offered her. So, logically, what she was really saying was that she just didn't have any deep feelings for me at all. She agreed. She stressed that she was happy to have me in her life again, and liked me as a friend, but that's all.
As I said to her, that's perfectly OK. I didn't choose to feel this way about her, and she doesn't choose how she feels about me. My feelings for her seem to reach into the core of my identity as a human being. It's my problem to deal with them, not hers. Now, however, I have to figure out what's next.
The question isn't if I want to see her. Of course I want to see her. Her presence produces a sensation that I think would be accurately, if poetically, described 'my heart singing'. The question, rather, is how long and how well can I deal with feeling that way when she's ultimately indifferent?
Oh, well. At least I have the time and resources for sitting with my cat of an afternoon and grieving about this. Such a luxury.
three weeks ago, we got together, saw a movie and talked. I told her how serious I was about her, how much she meant to me. She admitted that she'd broken up with the other guy she'd been dating, but that she didn't feel that she had time for a serious relationship in her life, what with taking care of an ailing parent, raising a son as a single mom, and being a doctor. I asked her if it was that she didn't want a serious relationship with me, in particular, or just in general. Just in general she said. This wasn't really the response I wanted to a declaration of deep and abiding love, but I accepted it. I figured that, over time, as we got to know each other again, perhaps things might change.
Today, I met her for lunch at Cafe Esselon. We had a lovely time, lively conversation, and then went for a walk along the rail trail all the way to Northampton and back. (Never crossed the Connecticut on foot before. It was great.) As we were walking back, she told me that she'd gotten back together with the other guy. Apparently, he'd been waffling about their relationship, and she didn't want to be with someone who 'wasn't really excited to be with me.'
Naturally, I was not pleased to hear this. (In fact, I experienced a sort of burning sensation centered around my heart, which descended down into my torso. My heart sinking?) I pointed out to her that that's precisely what I had offered her. So, logically, what she was really saying was that she just didn't have any deep feelings for me at all. She agreed. She stressed that she was happy to have me in her life again, and liked me as a friend, but that's all.
As I said to her, that's perfectly OK. I didn't choose to feel this way about her, and she doesn't choose how she feels about me. My feelings for her seem to reach into the core of my identity as a human being. It's my problem to deal with them, not hers. Now, however, I have to figure out what's next.
The question isn't if I want to see her. Of course I want to see her. Her presence produces a sensation that I think would be accurately, if poetically, described 'my heart singing'. The question, rather, is how long and how well can I deal with feeling that way when she's ultimately indifferent?
Oh, well. At least I have the time and resources for sitting with my cat of an afternoon and grieving about this. Such a luxury.
