More Moodiness
Jul. 15th, 2002 03:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grinninfooleSome of you have tried to contact me over the past few days. Since Thursday I have been loafing about at my parents' home in Andover. I came out for Mom's birthday and I had intended to return before now, but I am ill. Driving out here I realized that I was running a fever, and I have been taking it easy, trying to get over this stupid virus with a minimum of fuss. Today my temperature is hovering just under 100 F, just as it has since I got home. It's very tedious, as I tire quickly and don't have much appetite, but I am alert enough to get quite bored. Cable TV has helped, a bit.
Anyway, I have been thinking about my life in that sort of free-wheelingly general way one gets when one is laid up with nothing to do. I have been thinking about my last post, and the issues it raised (I haven't seen any new comments since Thursday because AT&T's cable service had lost my brother's account until last night), and I realize that I have for years clung to contradictory values, and thus, contradictory goals, for my life. On the one hand, it is terribly important to live in the moment, as it is all one truly has and at some point they run out. Also, achievement can lead to power, fame and status (not to mention real wealth), which can only be had through constant effort and ruthless competition with others.
Conversely, I like the sense of potential in my life. I am fairly bright and educated, reasonably well-off, passably healthy, and I belong to that very small group of straight white men who really do run so much of the world. Were I to go Washington or New York and start beating on the doors of power, I wouldn't be turned away for not looking the part. If I choose, I can simply drop everything and ride to a friend's aid, as in the past I have done. That freedom partakes of the Taoist virtue of Mu (i.e. formlessness), and I like the idea that I could still go anywhere from here. I must confront the reality, however, that this freedom has different costs, and a different feel, at age 32 than at 25.
I need to pick a path and start to walk it, but I don't know which one is best. I have to live with the choice, or my failure to make one, of course, but the requirements for the path I want may be unrealistic. I'd like to earn a self-sustaining income. I'd like to work at a career which interests me, and which is directed by my interests, which probably means being my own boss. I would, however, prefer not to have to overcome all the obstacles I'll find in my way--it's tough to meet deadlines with ADD but it's REALLY tough to set them and then meet them. Then, too, I'd like to do something truly meaningful with my life (it's why I didn't stay at the investment firm and despise the notion of working in advertising, despite how much fun it is), even though I don't think that's actually possible. I stayed with the CBDLF under Chris Oarr for a year because it felt a hell of a lot closer than anything else I might do despite our incompatibility in that office.
Mix all that together, and I have conflicting imperatives that I can't at this time resolve. Sigh. The only thing I do feel fairly sure about is that I hope I shall always place loyalty to friends as my highest priority...and that I'll never regret it.
Anyway, I have been thinking about my life in that sort of free-wheelingly general way one gets when one is laid up with nothing to do. I have been thinking about my last post, and the issues it raised (I haven't seen any new comments since Thursday because AT&T's cable service had lost my brother's account until last night), and I realize that I have for years clung to contradictory values, and thus, contradictory goals, for my life. On the one hand, it is terribly important to live in the moment, as it is all one truly has and at some point they run out. Also, achievement can lead to power, fame and status (not to mention real wealth), which can only be had through constant effort and ruthless competition with others.
Conversely, I like the sense of potential in my life. I am fairly bright and educated, reasonably well-off, passably healthy, and I belong to that very small group of straight white men who really do run so much of the world. Were I to go Washington or New York and start beating on the doors of power, I wouldn't be turned away for not looking the part. If I choose, I can simply drop everything and ride to a friend's aid, as in the past I have done. That freedom partakes of the Taoist virtue of Mu (i.e. formlessness), and I like the idea that I could still go anywhere from here. I must confront the reality, however, that this freedom has different costs, and a different feel, at age 32 than at 25.
I need to pick a path and start to walk it, but I don't know which one is best. I have to live with the choice, or my failure to make one, of course, but the requirements for the path I want may be unrealistic. I'd like to earn a self-sustaining income. I'd like to work at a career which interests me, and which is directed by my interests, which probably means being my own boss. I would, however, prefer not to have to overcome all the obstacles I'll find in my way--it's tough to meet deadlines with ADD but it's REALLY tough to set them and then meet them. Then, too, I'd like to do something truly meaningful with my life (it's why I didn't stay at the investment firm and despise the notion of working in advertising, despite how much fun it is), even though I don't think that's actually possible. I stayed with the CBDLF under Chris Oarr for a year because it felt a hell of a lot closer than anything else I might do despite our incompatibility in that office.
Mix all that together, and I have conflicting imperatives that I can't at this time resolve. Sigh. The only thing I do feel fairly sure about is that I hope I shall always place loyalty to friends as my highest priority...and that I'll never regret it.
