How it went

[grinninfoole]

It was OK. Not as dramatic as I had hoped/feared, not painful or joyous or intense. Really, it was nothing like what I had imagined, but just what I had wanted: a conversation between two people who used to know each other, who had had a relationship once, and who had moved on to make different lives, and were happy to catch up again.

For my, my relationship with {Grounded} had been a major, emotional intense episode in my life, unmatched by anything else. For her, I think it was part of a drama that played out mostly with other people, that started before we met and continued after we broke off contact.

In some ways, I'm pleased with myself for having made a real life for myself, that I haven't been simply sitting around pining for her, and that I'm a grown-up she can respect. On the other hand, she's got a full, busy life as a doctor, a mom, and someone with friends and interests and autonomy. I must strive not to take the opportunity to flog myself with a litany of ways I could be cooler, busier, more accomplished, etc. My life is a process, I can change the things I don't like, I can rescue myself from my dungeons, and other people who know me well don't see me as a failure unworthy of respect. (Thank you, little blue pills and years of therapy for letting me even perceive this perspective.)

We're going to get together again for coffee or something in a few weeks. I feel a bit of a let down, but I am glad to finally have some reality to deal with, to scorch away Miss Havisham in her yellowing dress. Because I still like her, and I want to get to know her as an actual person, and not a memory.

Comments

[rap541.livejournal.com]

But didja fuck her? :)

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Yes.

Epicly.

Eighteen years ago.

Last night, not so much.

[anagramofbrat.livejournal.com]

This exchange made me laugh so hard i scared the cat off my lap.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

I should probably be embarrassed by how important it is to me that I made you laugh that hard.

But, really, I'm not. :)

[trovia.livejournal.com]

My happy pills only ever come in white. :(

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Actually, my new ones are only blue on the outside, and white when I break them open. The blue is probably some toxic paint put on there to make them look cooler, because, you know, we're all about looking cooler in America.

[blue-crow.livejournal.com]

It's more likely so that you can tell them apart from all the other pills you're supposed to take a a good, upstanding American!

PS: I'm glad things are looking up!

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Ironically, it makes them look more like the other pills I take, which are blue all the way through.

P.S. Me, too. Thanks! Are you doing OK? Post Egypt let-down isn't too bad?

[fuschia.livejournal.com]

Wow! That took a lot of initiative and bravery and imagination, too, to meet up with her. I'm glad that you did. I hope you can have a new relationship with her in some way -- a relationship that you will enjoy.

And you're a success, M.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Well, you know, you can't play D&D for 30 years without learning a thing or two about bravery. :)

And thanks. I appreciate your hope for my future.

And you're a success, too.