Another scattergun update

[grinninfoole]

I am pressed because it's nearly July and I still have much to do on my research project. It's so easy to find other things to do, that I have not made nearly enough progress. Yet, to be fair, I have made some. I now know more or less what I am trying to do, and I think I can churn something out of it. I don't know if it will be very good, but with work it may well be good enough. All I need to do is get this done and retake the American science comp and I'm finished. Closer, closer....

Millari and I are slowly and steadily getting better at living together, and despite the occasional personal crisis for either of us, I am very happy, and I think she is, too.

I'm looking forward to getting the research out of the way, because then I can make time for many things that I have been putting off for awhile, including:

--finishing unpacking our things and arranging our home to our satisfaction.

--visiting my family. My mom called today, and she said, with a hint of tears in her voice, that she missed me. I need to go home soon. And, she needs to come visit.

--play OverPower. Unimportant, but fun.

--design NPCs, setting details, and adventures for the new D&D game I shall start running in September. And, maybe, prep another one to run at the store, perhaps on Friday nights when Jim's game isn't running. I think I can set up a campaign in the Southlands of the Cloth with a pleasing mix of old-school dungeon crawling and a lot of the politics, role-playing and macro-scale plot that I enjoy.

--Call folks out of town or state that I want to speak to at length, especially Justin, Gwyn, Fletch, Fran, Shawn, and Ronnie & Amy.

--plan and research for our upcoming trip to Europe. The main impetus is a reunion with some of the other people who were part of the Kenyon Exeter program in 1990-91. I haven't seen any of them in seven years, and I'm worried that they'll all decide that I'm lame and that they hate me, but they're special people and I wish I was close to them as I used to be. Of course, the reason I haven't been so good about staying in touch as I was a few years ago is that I am no longer so painfully lonely. I realized this when I read a letter I sent to someone years ago that got returned, and it was difficult to read because it seemed so needy. For this, I must thank my good friends here in Western MA, some of whom no longer want to talk to me, so I shan't mention names except to single out Millari for especial appreciation.

--Life goals, medium and long term. Medium: once I have the MA, I want to get a job and support myself. Talking with Jim, there may be a possibility of more hours at the store, which is very exciting, though it depends on our continued sales growth, which is definitely counting chickens early. If that proves unworkable, I'll have to explore other options. I'd like to work 25-35 hours a week, which would leave me enough time for a Long term goal: writing. I have ideas for novels and essays (and even a couple of documentary films, for what that's worth), and they may all suck, but if I don't ever confront my fear of failure and inadequacy and try, I'll never be really happy with my life.

Cool thing I have to mention:
I did well on my job performance review last week. I must credit Jim for his patience and help with my punctuality issues. I have gotten a lot better about timeliness and it no longer feels like a huge effort to be on time for things. (Credit for this also goes to Dr. Lange and my Tuesday therapy group for calling me on this a lot, and, for that matter, to Filthyassistant for her frustrated efforts over the years.)

Oh, I forgot to mention the other cool things about going to Europe: 1) we shall visit Michelle's old friend Arnaud in Toulouse. I hope to get to see the cathedral at Chartres on the way, and spend a day in Carcassone! (I'm interested in the Albigensian Crusade.) 2) I hope to see my friend Rob Shearman, a wonderfully nice, hugely talented, incredibly smart and, last I saw him, modest play/screen writer. He's working on the new Dr. Who show, which means that at least some of it will be really, really good.

Check out these links for more info on Rob and his work:

http://www.tertiary.consoleroom.btinternet.co.uk/interview-robshearman.htm

http://www0.bbc.co.uk/cult/doctorwho/cd/interviews/index.shtml

Hmm. Somewhere, I have copies of a lot of playscripts Rob wrote back in the late 80s and early 90s. I should check them out again, and then see how much he squirms when I bring them up. :)


Unimportant matters:
I have become a regular follower of the LJ life of a woman in Chicago who writes for the Onion. Check out rollick for a more interesting blog than this one.

And, finally, cool LJ name spotted at random: amorousuroboros


That's all for now. Hope all my friends (and any other readers) are prosperous and healthy.

Comments

regarding the mom....

[millari.livejournal.com]

Wow, long post! I want to respond to various parts of it, but first this one:

My mom called today, and she said, with a hint of tears in her voice, that she missed me. I need to go home soon. And, she needs to come visit.

You alluded to this in your email today. It's really a shame your mom and my mom never got to know each other before everything went south with my mom. The more I get to know about your mom, the more I see certain aspects in common. I had a similar relationship with my mom, where she could be very dependent on me as she got more isolated in the home. I think it's in part a product of their generation - the last one to see childrearing as the sole proper focus of a woman's life. Also both your mom and my mom had very distant, emotionally inaccessible parents and a sibling they felt from childhood got the far greater dose of love and support. If Cinderella hadn't been a woman in a fairy tale, she would have been a lot like your mom and mine.

As your mom has become less able to leave the home on her own, and more afraid of doing so, she's got less to keep her interested. So she turns her focus on those she loves and who are accessible. You are perhaps the most tolerant and most rewarding object of preoccupation she's found in your family. You really do a lot to prop your mom up emotionally, you really do. You shouldn't feel guilty. But of course, I know how impossible that can seem to put into practice. I never could. I always felt like I was never suppportive enough to my mom. I sometimes felt irrationally angry at her too, for making me feel responsible for her happiness or sadness, for her worry about me, for her sense of isolation. It wasn't her fault that she couldn't drive any more and didn't feel confident enough to walk somewhere. But she also lacked the will to do anything about it other than lean on her children to entertain her and give her a window on the world outside.

My mom was a smart lady. She could have enriched her life, even with its limitations, using the Internet, the local senior center, taxicabs. But she didn't manage to. She became dependent on my father for most of her friends and contacts, even as she complained that they were really his friends. She lost touch with friends she used to have because she would never get around to writing them letters or calling, despite the fact that she didn't work and barely did any housework herself anymore due to her illness. On the days when she wasn't feeling ill (which to be fair, was a lot of the time), she got caught up in her routine of pills, shots and meals, and mostly watched tv. Her only other outlets to the world besides this was shopping, when her friend or one of her children could manage to come out and drive her to the supermarket or the mall, and of course, her children. Your mom is far from this state of affairs, but she is already feeling this kind of lack of engagement, I think.

This is not to say my mom or your mom are lesser people because they don't currently (or didn't) have this triumph of the will; what I mean is that you don't have to believe in your mom's mental script of her life, which makes you the central, exclusive source of meaning and engagement in her life. Sure it's a script that is extremely compelling and comfortable to her. But that doesn't mean that you owe her guilt for not believing in that script or for chafing against it.

Your mom is many ways, an unhappy woman, I think, one who has lost a lot of what self-confidence she once had. You can be her cheerleader on the sidelines, but ultimately, she is the only one who can find a way out of the darkness. It won't mean anything to her unless she does. It will just be a solution imposed on her and she won't have any investment in it. You are a good son to want to help ameliorate her symptoms and distract her from her sadness, but you are not a bad son for chafing at her trying to make this become your job.

In other words, your mom needs to figure out some way to self-soothe. We should talk about this more and maybe figure out an approach to being her cheerleader more and less her emotional fix.

Re: regarding the mom....

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Wow. I am floored by your insight and support. This is really good advice, and I really appreciate having you on my team. And, I really would like to brainstorm with you.

Also, I should mention that Mom is transferring some of that crutch function to you.