I might have been right

[grinninfoole]

Last week when I posted about contacting S again, and it being a major turning point in my life. Still haven't seen or heard from S again since then, but I notice two things:

1) thinking about her makes me happy, and is giving me a little spike of adrenalin I can feel behind my sternum.

2) I have been feeling BETTER since then. Depression has been dogging me for a while, and about a month ago I increased my daily dose of Sertraline by 50%, which helped, but I've still been feeling unable to do stuff like laundry or cooking. (I was seriously eating out every meal for a while.) Since seeing S, I have gone shopping, made food, changed my bed, and gotten niggling stuff done at work.

I don't know why I feel like this. It could be that I'm still deeply in love, or it might just be that I have undone a fifteen year old psychic logjam, but I have decided that I want to find out. I even have these moments where I feel like we're meant to be together, and all I have to do is let it happen.

I don't entirely trust that feeling, since I am a drama queen, but I have enough faith in my subconscious and my self-awareness to give it a try. I'm going to try something new for me, and not spend so much time and energy imagining how something would be that I don't actually do it, yet still entertaining the possibility of it, rather than assuming it's hopeless and giving up before I even try. In other words, I'm going to live in hope, but carry on with my ordinary life as best I can. If S and I are 'meant for each other', then it will work out if I just have patience. If we aren't, then it's still a great adventure for me to find out, and definitely worth the price of admission.

I'll keep you all posted, of course. My secret plan is to invite her over to dinner with me and M, and she'll have such a good time, she'll call me a lot.

Comments

[rap541.livejournal.com]

Can I give you a suggestion that you don't have to take?

As a woman, if you asked me to dinner with yourself and your ex, I would be leary of whether you were actually interested in seeing me romantically. I mean, one of the things that stopped me from leaping on you and pawing you like a shameless school girl hussy at Dragoncon was that your woman was *right there*, staring at me as I undressed you with my eyes. As a decent woman, when I know the guy is *with someone* I mentally put him off limits (which is why you and I didn't hook up) because I don't wreck homes. You and M are still living together and honestly, a dinner invite like this would make me think that there was still something of a relationship between you and M. Again, I'm no relationship expert... I just worry your plan for dinner would backfire.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

That's a fair point. This situation feels sufficiently atypical that I'm not so concerned about that. For one thing, M and I are splitting up. For another, S and M used to know each other. And there's other stuff, too, which isn't mine to discuss.

"like a shameless school girl hussy"-- What does it matter that you aren't a school girl anymore?

Sadly, I have aged since DragonCon, and lost my youthful good looks. I'm withered and haggard now, definitely not leaping material any more. Weep for that which is lost.

[extrajoker.livejournal.com]

"S and M used to know each other."

Umm...

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Oh, that reminds me, I have a little gift for you. If I don't see you Wednesday, I'll pass it along via G.

[trovia.livejournal.com]

I agree with Rappy. If M is there, there will be no chance for a romantic moment to develop. No spontaneous hooking up. No wild bunny sex. I'd say have M prepare the food and pay her with a movie ticket for that very evening. Better yet, pay for a plane ticket and send her here. ;)

Sometimes, I feel better just because I did something that I'd been thinking about for a long time, or just shakes things up. It's why I go into activity frenzies whenever I start feeling depressed. This is the time of new tattoos, spontaneous vacations and buying pianos.

Maybe you should get a piano. Or a tattoo.

[rap541.livejournal.com]

Get a tat on your dick! Girls think thats hot!

(of course there is the possibility that I am amusing myself by suggesting something wickedly painful)

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Well, better a tat than a piano on my dick...

[rap541.livejournal.com]

A tat of a piano! :)

[extrajoker.livejournal.com]

Yes! Piano keys! That would be really helpful for the musically-inclined lover.

"Yes, baby -- high C, high C!!!"

[rap541.livejournal.com]

See? *OTHER PEOPLE* agree! DO IT! TAT ON DICK! TAT ON DICK!

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Having seen EJ's advice followed in several contexts (particularly in a tasteful hotel in Hong Kong), I do not find this idea as compelling as perhaps you do.

[grinninfoole.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I am ill-equipped to employ such benchmarks.

















Because of my musical ignorance, I mean.